What Not To Say

Since starting our TTC journey in August 2014, and going through emotion after emotion and test after test, I can most definitely tell you the things NOT to say to someone with PCOS who is wishing for their rainbow baby. You might think you are being helpful or kind, but some of these comments are frustrating, hurtful, or upsetting. And most of the time we know you are just trying to be nice, and trying to find a way to make us feel better - especially if you happen to fall pregnant very easily - because you don't really know what to say. Because it was just infertility awareness week, Huff Post did an article about 27 Things People Struggling with Infertility Want You to Know. It's pretty comprehensive, so you can read women's thoughts there too. But really, it's better not to even think these phrases:

1) So when are you two planning on starting a family?
Well meaning grandmas, cousins, extended family and friends love this question. Especially if you've been with your partner for a while and all of your friends/siblings/cousins/neighbors are having their first (or second!) kid. But this question is so hard to answer, because we WANT a family now, but it's not happening. I can't just order a baby and have it arrive. And every time you ask me about kids, I feel like a failure and my heart rips a little bit more. And then I just try to hid all the feelings and smile and say, "We're trying now, it's just taking a while". You probably don't want to hear about my fertility woes, so keep this question to yourself.

2) Just relax and stop trying, it will happen soon.
Do you really think that "not trying" is the answer? Do you know anything about how someone gets pregnant? Apparently not...

3) You're so young, there's no reason to worry!
Every day you get older, your fertility decreases. So yes, I am worried. I'm worried that nearly a year ago when we started (and I was younger and more fertile) I couldn't get pregnant. So now that I'm older and I continue to get older I shouldn't worry just because in your eyes I'm "young"? Yeah. Thanks for that. 

4) You have lots of time! You practically just started trying!
In women with PCOS, we don't get 12 chances a year. With long cycles and unpredictable ovulation, we may only have a chance or two if we're lucky. Every year. Think about that probability. Does it seem like we have a lot of time?

5) Just adopt, you'll get pregnant!
Often said in a joking way, I hate this one. First, it assumes that adopting will magically make everything okay. Second, because people forget how long it takes to adopt. You might get pregnant while adopting. You might not. If you've been trying 5 years and it takes 2 more years to adopt, that's still 7 years so you might have gotten pregnant anyways. Adopting is not a magic fix-all solution. It's a wonderful one for many people, but it won't just make you pregnant.

6) It's just not your time yet, but it will be.
Is there a magic number of women who are allowed to get pregnant each month? So the quota was full this month? ARGH! But some month you assume I will, in fact, get pregnant. Can you promise me that?

7) If you stress about it, you won't get pregnant. Just enjoy it!
As one of my TTC buddies stated, all the Zen in the world is not going to regulate my hormones! Women with PCOS often can't ovulate on their own. No ovulation = no egg = no babies. I can meditate all day long, but it's not going to affect my fertility. Studies have shown acute stress might delay ovulation for a day or two, but it will not stop a woman from ovulating completely. The stress thing is just a myth, so stop repeating it!

8) You're so lucky you don't have kids yet! Enjoy "you" time/time with your husband/time to travel/sleeping in/a clean house/ etc.
When you say something like this you are telling me that I'm lucky that I don't have the one thing I long for the most. It makes me angry because it feels like you aren't grateful for what you have (even though you probably are), and that you don't understand that I already KNOW kids are a challenge and change your life completely. But I WANT that challenge and change more than anything! So no, I'm not "lucky" that I don't have kids yet (but YES I am guzzling the wine, because it dulls the pain a little!).

9) You're trying too hard! You don't need to see a doctor or get any treatment. 
Some people might worry needlessly about getting pregnant after trying for a few months. Most women without complications will fall pregnant within the first year of trying. But women with PCOS should begin intervention sooner rather than later. I'm not saying we should jump right to IVF, but you should find out what works, what doesn't and then take steps forward to make it happen. Sure, some women with PCOS might get pregnant on their own, but most won't. We need help and waiting a whole year to seek help isn't going to increase our chances of getting pregnant. 

10) My husband just looks at me and *BAM* I'm pregnant OR I was so excited I got pregnant the first month! It was so easy!
First, I'm very happy for you. I love babies and if you got the baby you wanted, that's amazing. Really. I promise I'm happy for you. But also I'm angry and jealous and frustrated. Not at you, but at the world for making it so easy for some and so difficult for others. You certainly don't need to rub more salt in my aching wound. 

So what can you say? Instead of offering advice, or telling us it will be okay, just listen. We probably need someone to talk to, someone who can just lend a sympathetic ear. Often we bombard our partners with our feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams, but hide them from everyone else because infertility isn't something you are supposed to talk about. But we are bursting to share about it, because honestly, it is the biggest thing in our lives and we need all the support we can get. 

Any other PCOS ladies out there want to chime in with comments I've missed?