So much has happened since my last post, and I can't believe I am already up to 9 weeks! I don't want it to all pass in a blur, so with a few free moments today I wanted to add some memories.
First, at 8 weeks we paid to have what's called here a "reassurance scan". They do an early ultrasound for you, so you can relax a bit at the beginning of your first trimester. I nearly cried when I saw that little heartbeat. It was my baby! A real baby!
Since that appointment I've begun to dream about my life in June, when Baby Shippy is due to arrive. I'll get to be a mommy to a precious little soul, and there is nothing I want more!
Getting to that moment, however, is seeming to take an eternity. I am so so grateful to be pregnant, and everyday I think that I am the luckiest person in the world. And then I get nauseous and weepy and exhausted all at the same moment - and I still feel incredibly lucky.
But just to remember these past few weeks, I wanted to write down more of my feelings/thoughts. I am trying to cherish every moment, even the difficult ones!
So last week the only thing I could think about was my scan. I was counting down every moment to get there and I was desperate to see Baby Shippy. They told me to have a full bladder so it was easier to use the ultrasound, so I drank and drank and drank. My husband came and picked me up at work so we would be there on time, and I waddled to the office. They let me in early because I looked so uncomfortable. The woman who started the ultrasound said my bladder was TOO full, and she let me run off to the loo to empty about half of it. After I returned, much relieved, she squirted the cold gel on me, wriggled around the wand, and there s/he was! Our little bean! With a strong heartbeat and a bit of movement, the US technician told us everything was looking good. I was measuring at 8 weeks, 1 day (I thought I was 7 weeks, 6 days, but we're not going to quibble over such a small difference). I could have stayed in that room and stared at my baby forever. It was concrete then, something finally real that I wasn't just making up. We paid up, got the pictures printed, then headed home. I ate an apple in the car to stave off the ever present queasiness, but it didn't work. The last 10 minutes of the car ride was a constant battle of trying to hold it all in until I got home. I made it, just barely, and the apple came right back up. Yuck, apples do not play nicely on their way out! I ended up with a very sore throat and then a cold that made me feel miserable on the Thursday and Friday after. The problem with being a teacher is there is no time for sick days, so you just carry on!
Last weekend was quite relaxing for us, and then I pushed through another week. The nausea comes and goes, but the worst part for me is food aversions. I don't seem to want to eat anything really (most especially healthy veggies!). I need cold food that doesn't smell, and popsicles are my friend. This isn't very useful at the moment being winter and all, but I'm coping. I also find if I don't pay attention to eating then it goes better, like I'm tricking my body into thinking I'm not REALLY eating so it's okay to ignore it.
More than anything I want to get into the second trimester so my fear of something happening to my baby goes away. Although perhaps I should just get used to this fear, because as a parent you are always worried about your child - right?
Well, surprisingly enough to me I still appear to be pregnant. I certainly have all the symptoms!
- Exhaustion: in the past few days I have been falling asleep at about 7pm and waking up at 6 for work!
- Nausea: thinking about most food makes me sick, smelling most food makes me sick too and I can't brush any further than the tip of my tongue. I'm still eating and not throwing up... yet.
- Tender breasts: OUCH. I bought a maternity bra already to help alleviate the pain in the evenings, but every time I find myself sleeping on my stomach it's like knives stabbing my nipples!
- Emotional - I cry about most things now, and I was already a crier to begin with. I'm also more road-ragey than usual, "GET BACK ON YOUR SIDE OF THE ROAD YOU @$$#0!&!!"
- Super sense of smell: I can smell everyone around me, from their morning coffee to their cigarette before they got on the bus. This has also changed how I taste things!
- Frequent need to pee (and very thirsty to replace all that water!): I've only gotten up a few times at night so far, but I do find myself making detours to the toilet a lot more at work, which can be challenging as a teacher.
I'm booked in for my appointment with the midwife on Tuesday this week, and then for an ultrasound next Wednesday. It's all becoming very (thankfully) real, and all I want is to see a heartbeat on the first scan to calm my fears a bit. I know there is really no "safe" point in pregnancy until the baby is literally in your arms, but the chances of survival are so much higher after you've seen a scan with a heartbeat. Then I'll have another scan a month later, so I'll be very reassured! I am trying to enjoy every moment that I have being pregnant, as I know I am so lucky.
Well, it's really official now, I am over 5 weeks pregnant! I have my first doctor's visit in a week and a half for which I am anxiously awaiting. I have taken two more pregnancy tests, each of them saying "pregnant" which has reassured me. My breasts hurt like WHOA pretty much all day, and the fatigue started this week so that I feel like I need a nap at about noon and then actually go to sleep at 9pm (instead of 10 or 11).
What has surprised me the most is how incredibly anxious I am about this pregnancy. I am holding back by happiness until my first ultrasound (in December!!!) and I see that heartbeat. I know that most pregnancies are problem free, I've just know too many people who have had miscarriages to celebrate so soon. I'm trying to enjoy each day that I am pregnant and I have had a few daydreams of our future with a little bundle of joy in it. But I try to do a realty check and keep myself grounded.
I've shared the news with a few very close friends and my parents, because I know that should something happen, I will need support. Yes, I have my husband, but I need a bit wider of a network to get me through. So I reached out and shared the joyous news, and my favorite part was my parents. I bought them shirts that said,
"The best moms get promoted to grandma!" and...
"The best dads get promoted to grandpa!" ...
and had them open them on Skype with me. It was truly a moment to treasure when they realized what it meant and the screaming had stopped and they gave me a virtual hug. What made it even more wonderful was that my brother was unexpectedly there, so I got to share the news with him at the same time!
If all goes well I'll be able to tell my whole family and all my friends when I fly home for winter break, and I have plans for that reveal as well. But again, I'll be waiting until the ultrasound says it's a viable pregnancy.
So, I'll just keep going one day at a time and inch my way through this pregnancy, sending hope and good thoughts to my growing baby.
