Saturday, September 19, 2015

Clomid Round Two at 100 mg

Well, I promised an update so here I am. As you may have noticed from the title, I'm on my second Clomid cycle (at 100mg) but my third Clomid cycle overall. This worries me a bit, as doctors normally only allow you to try six Clomid cycles before they move on to stronger drugs. My doctor has noted that we'll move on to injectibles - and I hate needles.

By now you've deduced that my last Clomid cycle ended without any positive results. I did manage to hold off testing, but I was thoroughly disappointed when my period started. I had hoped that all the signs were pointing to pregnancy! At least now I know what my PMS signs look like, as I think this is only my second natural ovulation in a year. All I can do now is look forward to this next cycle and do everything I can to make it work. Hubby and I don't have any plans to be apart this time, so at least that timing works.

I guess I shouldn't be too disappointed, as this was my first real chance of pregnancy in 13 months, it's not much a surprise that it didn't work. Any normal couple (without any infertility issues) only has a 1 in 5 of getting pregnant in any one cycle. Who knows what other issues I have lurking around the corner? 

So today I start Clomid, and I've decided to take it at night in hopes that the side effects will be less drastic, or occurring during my sleep so I don't notice them as much. I'm trying to keep my stress levels down, although with my new job that might be quite difficult. I'm even more grateful that I accepted this job as it provides a perfect 10 months of distraction. 

Not much else to update on just now. CD 3 is both depressing and exciting - depressing because it means the last cycle was unsuccessful, but exciting because it means there is a new cycle starting. I'm hoping to ovulate earlier than CD 22, and the nurse at the Fertility Clinic was concerned by my 'long cycle' last month. At 35 days, my last cycle was the shortest cycles I've had since we started TTC (the next shortest was 41 days!), so I can't even imagine having the normal, 28 day cycle! Anything shorter than 112 days is pretty great for me - I think most women with PCOS can agree. I wonder what they'll do if this is another 'long cycle'? Add more meds? I'll do pretty much anything at this point!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

The Two Week Wait

Well, I'm officially 10 dpo and nothing interesting has happened. I've had so few legit two week waits (TWW) that I've almost forgotten how awful they are. The days crawl by at the slowest, almost incomprehensible rate. Every moment I wonder if I'm pregnant, if I'm not, and what I'll do next.

I've just been offered the most amazing job, which of course, I accepted. You can't let this baby making business take over you entire life! If I'm preggers this cycle, I'll make it work, if I'm not, then I'll make that work too, no worries. 

I'm trying my best not to symptom spot, but anyone actively trying to get pregnant understands what I'm going though. My nipples are pointing different ways! Let me google that and see if that means I'm pregnant! I had a slightly weird tugging motion in my lower abdomen, I must be pregnant! It's almost like a disease, this TTC! I'm attempting to not be so crazy, but let me tell you, it's hard work. 

I'm even going to attempt not testing with a real test (digital) until I'm 14 dpo (we all know how well that worked before!) in hopes of avoiding another stark-white negative test. I promise to update here as things go along. Until then, I'm excited about this new life opportunity. Keep living you life, keep building on your dreams, you never know what tomorrow will hold!

Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Waiting Room

It's early, and most of the hospital hasn't opened up yet and the sun has just peeked over the horizon. The corridors are empty, but there is one room filled to the brim with people. Signs advertising support groups plaster the walls, and old magazines lie in large stacks on the table. 

"The only thing more painful than having a baby is not being able to have a baby," one poster pronounces. Amen sister, I think.

On the battered, green plastic chairs every type of person waits. There are couples of all descriptions, holding hands, nervous, quietly chatting or lost in their own silent world. There are far more women on their own, passing time on their phones, reading, or staring into space. Where are their minds wandering? Probably the same place as mine - we are all here fighting for the same thing. The treatments may all be different but I still feel a kindred spirit with the others who share this space with me. It is mercifully beach-ball-belly free, as only those who are struggling to conceive are invited inside. 

Today, however, there is a woman with her daughter, who looks to be about 4 or 5. Without noticing it at first, I feel the anger and jealousy in me rising up; jealous of her child, and anger at her for flaunting something we all so desperately, deeply want. Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that secondary infertility is STILL infertility. That doesn't make me feel much better. Let it go, I tell myself. I look back down at my magazine and remind myself there is not a limited amount of babies allowed in the world.

The woman with her child is called from the waiting room and I find myself wondering what I will do if I have one child and then (like this time) I'm unable to get pregnant on my own and I need treatment. Would I bring my child in to the fertility clinic with me? Is it wrong to want a second child when we fight with everything we have just for the first one? 

Now it's just women and couples again, all waiting to be called in. Most of us will receive bad news, some might receive good news, the majority of us will be back here later this week or month for another scan, another blood draw, another round of medications. The lengths we will go to to have a baby of our own knows no bounds. They call my name and it's my turn again. I cross my fingers and say a prayer and hope against hope that this time, something has gone right.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

One (BIG) Follicle!

Cycle Day 22, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, Second monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).

After my last monitoring appointment, I had no hope for this cycle. With no follicles in sight, the doctor said to come back in a week to check one last time before bringing on my period and trying me at 150mg Clomid. So I put everything aside and focused on me. I had a lot of things going on! My sweet hubby and I flew to Geneva, where we spent the day visiting friends before driving to France so I could complete my second Half-Ironman. I had prepared for this moment for 6 months (and secretly prayed I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to actually complete it!) and finally the day had come. Honestly, I blasted my expectations out of the water and completed the race in 6:33:51 (my previous time had beed 7:14:12!). My swim, bike and run all were enjoyable and, although not easy, not too terribly difficult either. I never felt that dreaded feeling you can sometimes get in an endurance race of, "I can't go one more step - I can't finish!" I ended with a big smile and a sprint, and I was very proud of myself and my strong body (for the first time in a long time!)

I returned to the UK ready to face my second monitoring appointment. It went as usual - except I started crying in the scan room. But let's back up a bit to go through each part. It started like always with a blood draw and small talk with the nurses, then a wait for the internal ultrasound. The doctor checking me in the scan room was visibly pregnant and as we had never met, she introduced herself. Then she started by measuring my uterine lining (8mm, a decent number), and then moving onto my left ovary. I watched the screen as always and saw the string-of-pearl-cysts.

"Nothing but small cysts in the left ovary," the doctor called out to her assistant, who scrawled it down on her paper.

I looked up at the ceiling instead of craning to look at the screen as usual. I knew what was coming. I could feel the disappointment welling up in me and I was mentally preparing myself

"18 x 24mm, one big follicle, and it looks like it's about to release!" My head snapped to the screen at these words. I couldn't believe it. There it was, clear as day, one dominant follicle. The kind that most women get every month and don't even think about. I burst into tears. The nice assistant handed me a tissue and told me it was okay and not to cry - that the other doctors would thin they were torturing me. I explained through my tears that this would be my first chance to get pregnant in 13 months. As the doctor fished around with the dildo cam for the best view, and took a few more pictures, I felt the hope soar inside of me. This was amazing news! Clomid 100mg DID work for me! I don't have to move onto injectables yet!

After the scan finished they left me to get dressed, and when I exited the scan room, all the nurses and doctors standing there did a little cheer for me. "You've got to celebrate the little victories, right?" I said. They all nodded emphatically with me and patted me on the back. They told me the follicle was so mature that they weren't going to trigger me this time. I should get home, get busy, and come back in a week to check to be sure it had released. 

It was my first drive back from the clinic that wasn't seen through tear-clouded eyes. It was the first good news I had received since we started all this in August 2014. I got home and I couldn't hide my joy. After sharing the news with my husband, we celebrated together. Even if this round doesn't end in pregnancy, at least we know there are more rounds ahead of us, more rounds with a chance! No more 120+ day cycles and never ending waiting. 

I'm also very grateful I decided to join my husband on his business trip this weekend - otherwise we could have missed my window! I'll update a bit more as these next few weeks continue, but I still can't stop smiling