When you're struggling with your own infertility, one of the hardest moments is finding out a friend is pregnant. This is likely to happen over and over again, since your friends are normally a similar age to you. The longer you struggle with infertility, the more of your friends and acquaintances will seem to fall pregnant around you - they will be everywhere. For me, I've had 7 close friends announce their baby news in the last 9 months, and countless more acquaintances.
The second hardest moment is saying, "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you!" without breaking down into tears.
I think one of the reasons this is so difficult to deal with is the fact that very few people share their baby-making plans, their struggles, their disappointments, their frustration, and their sadness. So many women who are trying to fall pregnant wear a mask on the outside, and keep these personal details to themselves. I completely understand - deciding to start a family and then the actual trying is quite personal. It might look like I'm being very open about my struggle through this blog, but keep in mind that I haven't shared the link here to any of my "real life" friends. If you're reading this, chances are we've never met each other. So yes, I'm sharing, but anonymously, because writing helps me work through my emotions.
Because people are so quiet about their struggles, it might seem that everyone becomes pregnant so easily, without trying, without intervention, without pain or loss. This is not always the case - remember 1 in 8 couples face infertility. That's a lot of people out there that it didn't just happen for.
One of my friends just called me this morning to let me know her happy news before I arrived for my visit. I managed to say the "Congratulations!" without crying (go me!), and I really did mean it. I remember years ago speaking with her about having kids, and she wasn't sure she's be able to have them due to her age. On the phone she confided that they had been trying for years, had suffered through a miscarriage, and were about to take the next steps with medical intervention when they got their miracle baby. If she hadn't shared this information, it would have been easy to view her as just another pregnant friend. Instead, she helped take a bit of the sting out of her announcement and I am truly happy she is on her way to motherhood after everything she's gone through. I wish I had known sooner so I could have offered her support.
Remembering that everyone has their own struggles can help ease the pain of finding out yet another friend is pregnant. It's a long, hard road we are walking, and we are not alone.
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