The Beer Trigger

With no temperature change, no response to medication, and now no husband (I left him behind this trip!), you would think I could move on and enjoy this vacation I'm taking while I visit so many friends and family. And most of the time, that's true. Between trying to get my work done, completing my training schedule, and seeing everyone, I am busier than ever. It's the quiet moments that catch me by surprise and have the ability to pull me down into the dark spiral of 'What ifs' and negative thoughts. 

Just yesterday I was flying from Chicago to LAX, when I looked at the beer I was drinking and nearly broke down sobbing. I don't WANT to be able to drink beer - I want to be pregnant! And sober! And bloated! And throwing up with morning sickness! And running to the bathroom every 5 minutes because there's a BABY sitting on my bladder! The thing I wanted the least was to be able to drink that beer. But I was on a plane full of people, and wailing and crying in a confined space is never a good idea, so I bit my lip, and (as is my new habit) pushed those feelings and thoughts back as deep in as they could go. They've tried to rise back to the surface a few times since, and I try to push them deeper still. How long can I keep ignoring them and distracting myself so I don't have to feel it? I guess only time will tell.

I had hoped this trip would be so busy I would never have a free minute to think about how long this process is taking and how long it might continue to take. But wherever you go, there you are - you can't run (or take a vacation!) from your thoughts and feelings, because they are always there with you. Instead I'm going to try to acknowledge them and just keep moving forward, one second, minute, hour, and day at a time. Because what else can I do?

Second Clomid Cycle On Its Way

With my first disappointing cycle behind me and another 50+ day cycle continuing on, I finally had the chance to visit the fertility clinic. My time during my travel in America made the days pass, thankfully, quite quickly but this next cycle was always in the back of my mind. I was always anxious, always waiting for the days to tick on.

The visit to the clinic was very brief - no more than 5 minutes. They determined I still hadn't ovulated (and most likely wouldn't), and prescribed me Provera (to bring on a period) and then Clomid 100mg for days 3-7 in hopes of making me ovulate.

I'm now on day 2 out of 7 of Provera, and I've seen my temperature increase already. More than anything I am just anxious to get on with it and have a real chance. We're back to a different kind of waiting - waiting for the end of this cycle and the start of the next one without any happy TWW maybe-I'm-pregnant-maybe-I'm-not guessing and hoping in-between.

Part of me is optimistic that something will finally happen this time around. Most of me doesn't believe that anything will. Maybe that's just a bit of self-preservation. Every time I hope, I set myself up for failure. But if I already think it's not going to work (and by some miracle it does) then I will be surprised and ecstatic. 

Only time will tell - and of course I'll be updating here as it goes along. If you're reading this, will you say a prayer and cross your fingers and think positive thoughts my way? I need all the good vibes I can get.

First Clomid Cycle (non) Update

Well I have to say, I have almost been purposefully avoiding this blog. Mostly because thinking about it just made things worse. Like sobbing, wailing, crying worse. Usually writing is extremely cathartic for me - I write it down and it lets me release my feelings and helps me return to normal.

But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.

And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round. 

The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office. 

I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!

As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something. 

Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine! 

Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years. 

Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears. 

With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!