Ahhhhhhhhhh!

I waited , like you should, until my period was a day late. But, I will admit, I bought a pregnancy test just in case AF didn't show the next morning. I didn't sleep very well last night, my boobs hurt, my back ached, my heart was racing, and I was SO THIRSTY. I convinced myself it was just more symptom spotting (I'm so good at symptom spotting!) I woke up at 4:45 and felt anxious and nervous. I wondered if getting up that early counted as FMU. I googled it. The consensus was yes, you could get up to pee and test that early and it counted. So, I slipped out of bed, grabbed my bag with both the test and my AF supplies, and trekked down the three flights of stairs to the bathroom. I felt slightly guilty for giving in to test, as I told my hubby I'd wait until I was home. But I just NEEDED to know. 

5 seconds of looking at the instructions (all in Croatian). 

5 seconds of peeing on a stick. 

One minute of waiting...  and there it was, bright as day.

A big, fat positive plus mark. 

Pregnant. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I think my heart stopped and then I almost burst out crying. Then I pulled myself back down to earth. I know too many people who have miscarried early to celebrate yet. But this is my first time EVER with a positive test, and I am over the moon, overjoyed. 

I fly home tomorrow where I plan to take a digital test to confirm the blue dye one that I took this morning. I also bought a little onesie to give to my hubby when I tell him the news. A part of me thought this day would never come, and this would never happen. I would never know this joy, I would never be a mother. Now I'm just praying for a sticky bean and a healthy pregnancy, taking it one day at a time. I don't know if I was extremely lucky, the meds really worked, or this would have happened at some point. I certainly didn't 'relax' this cycle! I think we had sex 6 days in a row to be super sure we caught my fertile window. I did completely enjoy myself on my one week solo holiday, but I don't think that has any affect on this result. 

Overall, I am so glad I took the test - I can avoid wine, oysters, sushi, and all the other wonderful food here. I'm glad I got my fill of them before I tested, but so relieved to know I can start making the right choices for myself now. And I know everyone said it will be perfect timing whenever it happens, but for me it really is. I will be able to just finish out my work contract with my due date of June 30th. I've always wanted a summer baby, and it gives us enough time to save up before baby arrives. 

That's all for now, I'm going to get back to this delicious, non-alcoholic drink! 

14 DPO and no AF

Well, I'm freaking out a little bit. This is my second official TWW (after 15 months of trying!) and it's killing me. I am symptom spotting everywhere, and I kept telling myself that I am not pregnant. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. 

But it's 14 DPO, and by this time in my last cycle, I was spotting on 13 DPO and had a full period by 14 DPO. But today? Nothing but sore nipples, an achy back, weird abdominal pain, extreme thirst and (sorry for sharing) lots of gas. My plan had been not to test until I got home from this vacation (on 16 DPO) but I actually hadn't even considered that I would be here. I brought two boxes of tampons, pads and liners in preparation, along with my Clomid. I was ready for try #3. 

I don't have any tests with me, so my plan at the moment is to wait out today - if nothing happens by then end then I'll buy a test for tomorrow morning. I know I said I wanted to be there with my sweet hubby, but also it'd be so fun to surprise him (and I'm not sure I could stand the torture of waiting two extra day).

Of course, my Luteal phase might be a day longer than usual, that's not completely unheard of. More waiting. Ugh, I hate waiting. 

No Temps, No Problem

So I'm currently 12dpo, the time that most women trying to get pregnant are going crazy. A test at this point might be accurate, but it's more likely to give you a false negative (or a just plain negative). It's almost like torture, the last two days before the testing time crawl by at an impossibly slow pace. Normally at this point, I'd be over analyzing every temperature, waiting for the dreaded drop right before my period starts and then my hopes are dashed on the rocks. 

Not this time, however. I very stupidly didn't pack my thermometer for my week-long trip to Dubrovnik where I would be on the all-too-crucial 14dpo. I have to almost guiltily admit that I'm loving it. Yes, I have no idea what my body is doing, but I don't have to wake up at 6:10am everyday of my holiday. I don't end up having a miserable day because my temp dropped. I don't hang my hopes on an abnormally high temp. Instead, I am just thoroughly enjoying this trip, dreading the day 14dpo arrives, while also not obsessing over it. The days are full and busy in the most wonderful way. Instead of filling every moment with reading the TTC boards, blogs and chat rooms, I am sitting on a cliff side, drinking beer, and watching the sunset. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be and all that jazz. I've been disappointed so many times at this point I am really just waiting for the next cycle to take my Clomid and try again and then get to my appointment with my RE in November so we can do something maybe a bit more drastic. 

I always said I didn't want to have to go onto injections. They hurt, like REALLY hurt. And I hate needles. And they leave bruises all over your body. And my poor hubby would be the one that had to inject me. But right now, I kind of wish I could move onto something that a higher success rate. It feels like I'm waiting for something that will never happen - is that how all infertiles feel before they find out they are miraculously pregnant? My point here is, at this point I'm ready for bigger steps if it means I have a chance. I guess I should be grateful that I ovulate on Clomid at all?

Also, if relaxing makes you pregnant (like so many wonderfully ignorant people believe) then this holiday should definitely make me pregnant. I've been so relaxed and calm, enjoying every moment that BAM of course I should be pregnant. Ha. Alright, I'm going to get back to this beer, it's singing my name. 2 days and counting until I know where I stand. I know all of my readers are waiting in suspense so I promise I'll even update in case of the bad news!

Ovulation Detected!

CD23 - 1 dpo - Clomid 100mg CD3-7

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So for the past three weeks I've been very patient, drinking grapefruit juice, checking my signs, and hoping, wishing, praying I would actually ovulate this cycle. It seems even if I did ovulate last cycle on 100mg it didn't mean I would necessarily ovulate again. Plus I kinda forgot to take one of my pills and had to take a double dose the next day. Oops. 

I tried OPKs, but they were always negative. I was discouraged at times, but tried to remember that I ovulated CD22 last cycle, so it was likely to happen around a similar time (if at all) this time around. The days just c r a w l e d by.

Then today, my temperature shot up, which if you track your BBT (basal body temperature), you know is a very accurate way to know when/if you ovulate. It doesn't require blood draws or scans or anything invasive - just 30 seconds with the thermometer every morning. I love the peace of mind I get, and now that I know I've ovulated I can take a rest from constant love making.

I know what you're thinking - trying for a baby is fun! Yay! And I should just be spontaneous and enjoy myself!

But if you're TTC, you probably see it a bit differently. Timed intercourse? Being on a schedule? Sex-on-demand for nearly a week? Even after a very long and trying day at work? Yeah, it turns out it's a bit more stressful then just throwing the BC out the window and "having fun". 

But back to the ovulation - with my temperature going up 0.5C, my plethora of EWCM yesterday and none today, I would say that I've definitely ovulated. I track my temperatures using FertilityFriend, a wonderful app and computer program. It thinks I'm 3pdo already, but I think otherwise. Either way, it's only good news.

And now, there's nothing to do except sit back and wait for the next two weeks. Luckily, I am going to be very busy. We have one more week of teaching and then it's the October half-term holiday! And I'm on my way to Croatia! I'll find out in Croatia if this round was successful or not, so at least I can celebrate or drown my sorrows. Now I have to decide, do I take a pregnancy test with me? Or wait until I'm late? I'll be 16dpo when I get back from my trip, so I'll either be very suspicious or AF will have already arrived. For right now, it's celebration time! 

Just Waiting...

CD 17 - Waiting to Ovulate - 100mg Clomid

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Sooooo.... not much happening over here. I'm CD 17 already and, if I had a regular cycle, would be in my TWW by now. Of course, I'm nowhere near normal, so instead I think I'll most likely ovulate in the next week or so. I don't even have any pre O symptoms so I have no concrete clues. With my new job time seems to be passing very quickly, and yet not quickly enough. I've put my sweet husband on notice for lots of romantic time in the next week or so in hopes of catching my fertile window. There's no such thing as too much sex when you're TTC!

That being said, I have no idea if I will even ovulate this month. I did manage to ovulate last month thanks to Clomid, but it's not a sure thing yet. I'm still not counting on it - can you really count on anything when you have PCOS and endometriosis and a history of many (MANY!) anovulatory cycles. Without my constant monitoring by ultrasound and blood tests, I have no idea whether I have any follicles or not. Because I do monitor my temperature, at least I will know if I HAVE ovulated or not due to a sustained temperature rise. So every morning at 6 I check my temp and hope to see a spike - nothing's happened so far!

And every day, I try to just keep living my life, just keep pushing on. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one breath then another. I try not to think too hard or too long about it all, it only makes my heart ache and feel empty all at once. I just booked a trip to Croatia for a week of sun and relaxation. If all works out, I'll be in my TWW by then and it will help the time zip by. I'm really looking forward to the trip - lots of beaches, wine, and culture - but of course, as always, I'd rather be pregnant. Sigh.   

Until that time, I'll try to spend my time living, not just waiting.