Cycle Day 12, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, First monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).
Usually the beginning of a cycle makes me anxious an excited for *maybe* something good happening. The beginning of this cycle seemed to appear out of nowhere while I was in Prague visiting my cousin and then things just got more hectic from there. I barely noticed that my first monitoring appointment was quickly approaching until yesterday night. The nerves started again, but I just looked the other way and focused on all the other things I needed to do (and there is a lot I need to do!)
Then this morning arrived and I went into the fertility clinic like usual. Unlike the previous times, I had no butterflies in my stomach or strong hopes for something good. I was just trying to be realistic and protect myself.
Good thing too.
After the blood draw, I went in for the dildo cam and as the doctor measured my lining (3cm) and then inspected one ovary, and then the other, I could see what was coming. I'm getting good at understanding the ultrasound screen.
"Wow," she commented, "Look at all those cysts just sitting there and doing nothing!"
"I know," I replied, "Come on ovaries, you have ONE JOB!" I was trying to lighten the mood and pretend like this was all okay. But again, it's just crushing.
With the internal ultrasound bit over, the doctor said I should come in again in a week, just in case I responded slower to the meds and something happened. I explained I'd be away for a race until Wednesday of the following week, and she said that was fine, because there was just no activity in my ovaries. Not even a hint of a slightly larger follicle. Just pearls of cysts taking up as much space as possible and being totally and completely useless.
At first I felt just a bit numb and I was proud of myself for not tearing up. I knew this was a possibility, I had prepared myself for the fact that 100mg of Clomid may not work. I managed to hold it all together until I got to the car and got through the ticket gates and back onto the main road. I feel like every time I leave that hospital, I'm crying.
So now I'll be focusing on my big race this Saturday. There's nothing I can do until next week at my next appointment, so I won't spend any time dwelling on it. Of course, I'll keep temping, checking my CM, and drinking grapefruit juice, but I've got other things to worry about. And this is why you have to keep living, keep making plans, keep on keeping on - because if cycle after cycle fails, you need a life boat to cling on to so you don't drown in the hopelessness and sadness of it all.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Clomid Round 2 at 100mg and Raging Side Effects
Cycle Day 11, Second Clomid Cycle (days 3-7) at 100mg
I feel like it's been far too long since I've done any updating, but then again there wasn't much to say. I had to wait for the last cycle to end (63 days!) with the help of Provera and then to take Clomid for this cycle. Since the last round did nothing but create more cysts, the doctors have upped my dosage.
I noticed an immediate difference from the last Clomid round to this one. My temperature was much higher while taking it, and I had some of the often-talked about side effects - moodiness, headaches, hot flashes, and crazy dreams. I'm hoping this is a good sign, and that it means the meds will actually work this time (but I'm not holding my breath!)
The mood swings side effect was the one that surprised me most, and surprised my sweet husband as well! We had friends flying all the way in from Canada to visit us that day, and I had just gotten home from a trip to Prague. I was desperately trying to make a shopping list and plan meals so I could get to the store before they arrived. As I scoured Pinterest for a child-friendly, vegetarian-friendly meal, my hubby walked in. I asked if he though baked ziti was a good idea for the first dinner and he gave me a blank stare. "What's ziti?" he asked. And that's when the explosion of angry screaming from me started, mostly about how he was being so unhelpful and trying to frustrate me and why couldn't he just make something easier?!! Why couldn't he just tell me that was the perfect meal?!!
I realized after he backed out of the room that maybe I was being a bit unreasonable. Hormones can sure make you do crazy things! Needless to say after the eruption I went to find my husband and apologize for the pulsing anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I am so lucky I got a guy that understands me and knows that something like that is so out of character that we can just blame the drugs and move on.
The crazy dreams are also very surprising, as usually my dreams fade immediately after I wake up. This time, however, my first fantastical dream was so real I had to do some fact checking after I woke up just to make sure it wasn't true! Every night has been like that since I started the pills, and now that I've finished with them I hope they will stop soon.
Tomorrow morning I have my first monitoring appointment for this Clomid cycle. I am trying not to think about it, or get anxious about it, because the last few visits have been so disappointing. My ovaries just don't do their job! On top of all that, I leave on Thursday for a half-ironman race in France. I signed up for this back in March, praying by now I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to complete it. Alas, here we are 6 months later and no closer to being pregnant, so I've got to at least attempt it. This all means that around my O date, I won't be near the clinic to get a trigger shot, and I'll have quite a lot of stress hormones coursing through my system. I'm half hoping my ovulation is delayed like many other PCOS-ers, and that it doesn't happen until I'm back from France but there is nothing I can count on. I'll just have to go in tomorrow, give some blood, deal with the dildo-cam, and take it from there.
The only thing I have to cling on to is that if this cycle doesn't work, then I will be able to attend my best friend's wedding next May. I'm her maid of honor, so I REALLY want to go but she knows that if something good happens this month then I will only be attending via Skype. Her wedding date is 9 months from when I'm due to ovulate this cycle, so it's good/bad timing. That's the life of TTC, always counting ahead to the next cycle, the next possible due date, the next appointment...
Now only time will tell... if you're reading this, wish me luck tomorrow!
I feel like it's been far too long since I've done any updating, but then again there wasn't much to say. I had to wait for the last cycle to end (63 days!) with the help of Provera and then to take Clomid for this cycle. Since the last round did nothing but create more cysts, the doctors have upped my dosage.
I noticed an immediate difference from the last Clomid round to this one. My temperature was much higher while taking it, and I had some of the often-talked about side effects - moodiness, headaches, hot flashes, and crazy dreams. I'm hoping this is a good sign, and that it means the meds will actually work this time (but I'm not holding my breath!)
The mood swings side effect was the one that surprised me most, and surprised my sweet husband as well! We had friends flying all the way in from Canada to visit us that day, and I had just gotten home from a trip to Prague. I was desperately trying to make a shopping list and plan meals so I could get to the store before they arrived. As I scoured Pinterest for a child-friendly, vegetarian-friendly meal, my hubby walked in. I asked if he though baked ziti was a good idea for the first dinner and he gave me a blank stare. "What's ziti?" he asked. And that's when the explosion of angry screaming from me started, mostly about how he was being so unhelpful and trying to frustrate me and why couldn't he just make something easier?!! Why couldn't he just tell me that was the perfect meal?!!
I realized after he backed out of the room that maybe I was being a bit unreasonable. Hormones can sure make you do crazy things! Needless to say after the eruption I went to find my husband and apologize for the pulsing anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I am so lucky I got a guy that understands me and knows that something like that is so out of character that we can just blame the drugs and move on.
The crazy dreams are also very surprising, as usually my dreams fade immediately after I wake up. This time, however, my first fantastical dream was so real I had to do some fact checking after I woke up just to make sure it wasn't true! Every night has been like that since I started the pills, and now that I've finished with them I hope they will stop soon.
Tomorrow morning I have my first monitoring appointment for this Clomid cycle. I am trying not to think about it, or get anxious about it, because the last few visits have been so disappointing. My ovaries just don't do their job! On top of all that, I leave on Thursday for a half-ironman race in France. I signed up for this back in March, praying by now I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to complete it. Alas, here we are 6 months later and no closer to being pregnant, so I've got to at least attempt it. This all means that around my O date, I won't be near the clinic to get a trigger shot, and I'll have quite a lot of stress hormones coursing through my system. I'm half hoping my ovulation is delayed like many other PCOS-ers, and that it doesn't happen until I'm back from France but there is nothing I can count on. I'll just have to go in tomorrow, give some blood, deal with the dildo-cam, and take it from there.
The only thing I have to cling on to is that if this cycle doesn't work, then I will be able to attend my best friend's wedding next May. I'm her maid of honor, so I REALLY want to go but she knows that if something good happens this month then I will only be attending via Skype. Her wedding date is 9 months from when I'm due to ovulate this cycle, so it's good/bad timing. That's the life of TTC, always counting ahead to the next cycle, the next possible due date, the next appointment...
Now only time will tell... if you're reading this, wish me luck tomorrow!
Friday, August 7, 2015
Reactions, Positivity, and Understanding
While visiting my friends and family in America (some with children, some with grandchildren, some without any), it was interesting to see people's reactions, responses, and comments if I chose to share my current struggle with infertility. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with this situation - A bottle of wine in each hand? Mimosas every day at breakfast? How do you respond to a topic that consumes you when you're home but that is so difficult to discuss?
As I had guessed most people brought up the topic with me quite quickly. With more than five years of marriage, a new home and low-stress job, it looks like the perfect set-up for a family. As they eyed my very full wine glass, they would inquire, "So, are you thinking about starting a family?" and I would choose my response carefully. Usually something like, "Yep, we are trying pretty hard, but no luck so far!" Humor can make any topic seem normal.
I had expected some of the normal responses for someone who is trying-but-not-succeeding: At least you're young! It'll happen when the time's right! Maybe you should adopt! You know all the ones I'm talking about. I had prepared myself for them as well, and mostly let them slide right over me without taking them to heart. No one is trying to be hurtful with their comments. People don't know how to react to a situation they have never encountered. They want to give advice, they want to give hope, they want you to be happy and positive and make THEM feel comfortable. And I get it - infertility is a pretty uncomfortable topic. Society has made it very taboo to talk about reproduction, and I also believe the explicit details of my journey are a private topic for trusted close friends and family (except, apparently, on this all-too-public blog, but that's something else entirely).
So for a lot of my interactions with friends and family while on my visit to America, I lied. Instead of sharing how I really feel most of the time (hopeless, frustrated, angry, inadequate, and more...), I pulled on my brave-face mask and echo their sentiments and hide my real thoughts. For the most part, people don't want to hear that you are not okay. They want the easy, comfortable, sanitized version. They want me to be positive and joyful like I normally am towards difficult situations in life. I can't really blame them, everyone has enough of their own troubles in their life - why do they need mine too?
One friend, however, really surprised me. Instead of a cliché comment, advice, reassurance, or positivity, she offered support and understanding. Instead of rushing to tell me how, "I would get there someday," or "It would all be alright," or telling me about her roommate's cousin's sister with PCOS who miraculously had a baby - she commiserated with me.
"You must be so frustrated"
"It might never happen, I'm so sorry."
"I know what it's like to go through something difficult. I'm here if you ever need to talk about it"
And for that moment, I didn't feel like I was hiding behind a mask or pretending to be the sunny, positive, shiny me. I could just share my real thoughts and put everything out there on the table. I felt so free for the moment. When we said goodbye I gave her several big hugs. I don't think she even realized how important that conversation was for me.
Everyone deals with infertility in their own way, and I don't think there is one right way to do it. I just know showing understanding and compassion instead of rushing to slap on a band-aid can do wonders for someone like me. And if you're reading this and struggling too - I understand, and I'm sorry for your frustration and difficulty.
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