Friday, July 1, 2016

A Different Two Week Wait

The beginning of my TTC journey was filled with anxious two-week-waits. I didn't understand how my body worked and how long my cycles were, which occasionally led to three or four-week-waits (when I thought I had ovulated, but never got a period!). Then I started taking my temperature and learned more about my cycle and began medication and then I got to experience that real, terrible two-week-wait. The weeks between when you ovulate and *might* be pregnant, but might not. When it is too early to test but you are full of hope because maybe, just maybe, this time you'd be pregnant. You try not to think about it every day and fill up your time with work and friends and a moderate amount of wine and sushi in case this is your last hurrah. You pay attention to every little sign. Was that nausea a sign of morning sickness? Is that cramping implantation? Is the fatigue caused by pregnancy hormones? Are my breasts tender? Is _________ a sign of early pregnancy? Cue Google which, incredibly, can find that nearly every single sign possible as one that you are pregnant. Most of the time this two-week-wait would just end in tears despite all my "symptom spotting" with another negative pregnancy test (and two more, just to be sure) or my period showing a day or two late. Then the cycle would start again with temping, medication, a two-week-wait, symptom spotting and then heartbreak. Until finally, that one exceptional day, when the test was POSITIVE

That is what started out this whole exciting 9-month-baby-growing journey. The first three months were full of anxiety and watching for any signs of a miscarriage. Every twinge and cramp made me anxious and I couldn't wait to get through it. Then the second trimester arrived and time flew by until suddenly it was the third trimester. That flew by too, as I enjoyed feeling bigger kicks and movement and thinking about how much my baby was growing. 

Finally, the day I had waited for - my due date! - arrived. And then it passed. And now I am in a completely different type of two-week-wait. Admittedly, this one is much easier to deal with and much less likely to end in tears and feelings of failure. This two-week-wait WILL end in a baby, my baby, and it might not even be in two weeks! It might be tomorrow! It might be tonight! But I am still trying to fill my time up, trying not to be impatient and paying attention to every little tiny feeling in case it means labor is starting. It's hard not to "symptom-spot" at this point because I know labor is imminent. I'm trying to just relax and remind myself that no one has ever been pregnant forever!

Without work to keep my mind busy, I have tried to have something every day that I can look forward to. Meeting my NCT friends and their newborns for cake and coffee, or going to a movie, or taking a long walk - having something planned lets me be excited for the future while not just counting down the minutes until Wriggles arrives. Still, it's not the easiest few days as it feels like my life is sitting on a knife edge, but at least this wait is definitely worth it.

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