I woke up this morning with that nervous, excited anticipation that you get before a blind date or first day of school. The one where you can't wait to get where you're going, but also worried about what is going to come from getting there. It was my second monitoring appointment for this first Clomid cycle, and I was hoping (praying really), that my two, slightly larger follicles have grown and responded to the 50mg of Clomid.
I got to the fertility clinic early, sending up a silent prayer for the clinic not being in the same area as the maternity ward, and so not being filled with pregnant, happy women. I wrote my name down on the sign-in sheet and waited no more than 5 minutes before I was called in by a kind, chatty nurse to get my blood drawn. Next was the dildo-cam, and at this point my stomach was doing flips and I just kept thinking to myself, over and over, "Please, please, please show that my follicles have grown! Please, please, please!" I waited a few minutes more on the awkward, spread-your-legs chair before the doctor and assistant came in to start the ultrasound. The dildo-cam was quickly inserted and started with my uterus. "Oh, very nice, thick lining!" the doctor exclaimed as she measured it and called out the numbers to her assistant. Well this was a good start! I thought to myself. Then she pivoted the dildo-cam to the side to check out the main feature, my ovaries. She pushed this way and that, trying (and maybe hoping too?) to find a dominant follicle. She found one slightly larger than the rest, but after measuring it she realized it had shrunk from my last visit a week ago. Switching to the other side, she searched in vain for something that might pass for a follicle. Zip, zero, nada. She didn't even bother to measure anything on the other side, it was so obvious how small the follicles were.
I could see it on her face before she said anything. A kind smile, but also a tiny bit sad. She explained that it didn't look as if I had responded to 50mg of Clomid, and that we'd need to up the dosage for the next cycle. She asked me to come in again on Friday for one last check before they prescribed Provera again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as they left the room to let me get dressed again. I managed to make it out of the clinic before I started crying.
Rationally, I knew this might happen. It may take a few cycles to find the right dosage of Clomid, and because of the side-effects they always start with a low dose then work their way up. But my body had been showing signs of imminent ovulation - egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) a high, open cervix, and an increased sex-drive. Even with all these signs, from the scans we can see there is no chance I'll be ovulating any time soon. I'm so angry at my body, for letting me down again and for tricking me into thinking something good was coming. Since I'll be away traveling for 3 weeks, I know that I won't have a chance in July, so our next shot is in August. It may not seem far away, but it's another 2 months down the line. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm always waiting - and even when I do all this waiting, I don't even have a fighting chance.
When I came home from my appointment and the drive/cry home, my lovely hubby was up waiting for me to see how it went. I just asked for a hug, knowing I couldn't trust myself to explain it yet. I left myself just stay there for a while, let myself be hugged and tried to calm myself down. Then I got a lot of hugs and cuddles and kisses as I explained the appointment and results. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband, someone who I am so happy to be with, even after five years of marriage.
So now I haven't got much choice but to keep moving on and looking forward to my future plans. I've realized there isn't a chance I'll be pregnant by the end of August, so my training for my half-ironman is in full swing (and boy can my muscles feel it!). I've got plenty of things to keep me busy and to look forward to, so I just have to push away this dark cloud, hide it in a closet or cupboard, and keep pushing forward, one step at a time. Why dwell on something you can't change? Why worry about the future when, "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" (a quote from the graduation speech "Wear Sunscreen".).
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Try not to get caught up in this moment right now. Try to see the long game, try to enjoy what you can while you can. Wine, sushi, sleeping in late, travel, spontaneity, beer, margaritas, gin & tonic... and deep breath in, deep breath out.
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