The Beer Trigger

With no temperature change, no response to medication, and now no husband (I left him behind this trip!), you would think I could move on and enjoy this vacation I'm taking while I visit so many friends and family. And most of the time, that's true. Between trying to get my work done, completing my training schedule, and seeing everyone, I am busier than ever. It's the quiet moments that catch me by surprise and have the ability to pull me down into the dark spiral of 'What ifs' and negative thoughts. 

Just yesterday I was flying from Chicago to LAX, when I looked at the beer I was drinking and nearly broke down sobbing. I don't WANT to be able to drink beer - I want to be pregnant! And sober! And bloated! And throwing up with morning sickness! And running to the bathroom every 5 minutes because there's a BABY sitting on my bladder! The thing I wanted the least was to be able to drink that beer. But I was on a plane full of people, and wailing and crying in a confined space is never a good idea, so I bit my lip, and (as is my new habit) pushed those feelings and thoughts back as deep in as they could go. They've tried to rise back to the surface a few times since, and I try to push them deeper still. How long can I keep ignoring them and distracting myself so I don't have to feel it? I guess only time will tell.

I had hoped this trip would be so busy I would never have a free minute to think about how long this process is taking and how long it might continue to take. But wherever you go, there you are - you can't run (or take a vacation!) from your thoughts and feelings, because they are always there with you. Instead I'm going to try to acknowledge them and just keep moving forward, one second, minute, hour, and day at a time. Because what else can I do?