11 Week Scan

I waited all day in anticipation, and watched the minutes tick painfully by until it was finally time to leave. My husband picked me up from work early, and we ate a quick lunch before we drove to the hospital. We parked in our usual lot, and walked the familiar path to the Reproductive Unit of Edinburgh Royal Hospital. After entering the automatic double doors, for the first time I didn't have to turn left to go into the infertility clinic. This time, I turned right, into the area with all the expectant mothers, into the area of hope and happiness and joy. I have to admit, there were times when I never thought I'd get here.

Today was the day that most newly pregnant women wait for - the first REAL ultrasound! Of course, I cheated and payed for one early at 8 weeks, but that little ball of cells with a beating heart was oceans away from what I saw today. 

A real, wriggling, spinning, kicking, waving baby!

Ultrasound at 8 weeks - look at that tiny blob!

Ultrasound at 11 weeks - head, arms, legs, fingers and toes! 65cm and all measurements good!

As I sat there in the scan room, my stomach covered with cold ultrasound gel and my full bladder being pushed upon my an ultrasound wand, I couldn't stop giggling. That was our little baby! And that tiny baby was moving every which way! The technicians couldn't manage to get a good picture for ages because every time they thought they caught it, the baby would move again. S/he spun in circles, somersaulting around, covering his/her face with those little hands. It is amazing that at this point the baby is only the size of a lime and I'm not even showing yet - but there is so much life and movement there! I reached out to grab Paul's hand; this was our little person that we would be taking care of in 6ish short months. It felt some incredible I couldn't believe it was actually happening to me. 

Since my last update here I have felt, well, completely and utterly exhausted. Sometimes I feel like I need a nap at 10am. My nausea is (finally!) letting up a bit (sometimes) and I dry heave and gag less often now. Still there are many things that set me off (like the inside of my fridge!) and I'm still crying at everything and getting angry at the smallest things, but otherwise I'm A-OK. I've got the one thing that means the most to me, and I'm protecting it inside of me. More than anything, I can't wait to share the good news with my friends and family back home - only 5 days until I arrive and it couldn't come any sooner!

Well look at that, it's bed time again. I feel like all I do is sleep, work, sleep, work. But this precious part of my life when I carry my first child won't last forever so I am going to enjoy and be grateful for every day that I have. 

9 Week Update

So much has happened since my last post, and I can't believe I am already up to 9 weeks! I don't want it to all pass in a blur, so with a few free moments today I wanted to add some memories.

First, at 8 weeks we paid to have what's called here a "reassurance scan". They do an early ultrasound for you, so you can relax a bit at the beginning of your first trimester. I nearly cried when I saw that little heartbeat. It was my baby! A real baby! 

Since that appointment I've begun to dream about my life in June, when Baby Shippy is due to arrive. I'll get to be a mommy to a precious little soul, and there is nothing I want more!

Getting to that moment, however, is seeming to take an eternity. I am so so grateful to be pregnant, and everyday I think that I am the luckiest person in the world. And then I get nauseous and weepy and exhausted all at the same moment - and I still feel incredibly lucky. 

But just to remember these past few weeks, I wanted to write down more of my feelings/thoughts. I am trying to cherish every moment, even the difficult ones!

So last week the only thing I could think about was my scan. I was counting down every moment to get there and I was desperate to see Baby Shippy. They told me to have a full bladder so it was easier to use the ultrasound, so I drank and drank and drank. My husband came and picked me up at work so we would be there on time, and I waddled to the office. They let me in early because I looked so uncomfortable. The woman who started the ultrasound said my bladder was TOO full, and she let me run off to the loo to empty about half of it. After I returned, much relieved, she squirted the cold gel on me, wriggled around the wand, and there s/he was! Our little bean! With a strong heartbeat and a bit of movement, the US technician told us everything was looking good. I was measuring at 8 weeks, 1 day (I thought I was 7 weeks, 6 days, but we're not going to quibble over such a small difference). I could have stayed in that room and stared at my baby forever. It was concrete then, something finally real that I wasn't just making up. We paid up, got the pictures printed, then headed home. I ate an apple in the car to stave off the ever present queasiness, but it didn't work. The last 10 minutes of the car ride was a constant battle of trying to hold it all in until I got home. I made it, just barely, and the apple came right back up. Yuck, apples do not play nicely on their way out! I ended up with a very sore throat and then a cold that made me feel miserable on the Thursday and Friday after. The problem with being a teacher is there is no time for sick days, so you just carry on!

Last weekend was quite relaxing for us, and then I pushed through another week. The nausea comes and goes, but the worst part for me is food aversions. I don't seem to want to eat anything really (most especially healthy veggies!). I need cold food that doesn't smell, and popsicles are my friend. This isn't very useful at the moment being winter and all, but I'm coping. I also find if I don't pay attention to eating then it goes better, like I'm tricking my body into thinking I'm not REALLY eating so it's okay to ignore it. 

More than anything I want to get into the second trimester so my fear of something happening to my baby goes away. Although perhaps I should just get used to this fear, because as a parent you are always worried about your child - right? 

6 Weeks, 2 Days

Well, surprisingly enough to me I still appear to be pregnant. I certainly have all the symptoms!

- Exhaustion: in the past few days I have been falling asleep at about 7pm and waking up at 6 for work!

- Nausea: thinking about most food makes me sick, smelling most food makes me sick too and I can't brush any further than the tip of my tongue. I'm still eating and not throwing up... yet.

- Tender breasts: OUCH. I bought a maternity bra already to help alleviate the pain in the evenings, but every time I find myself sleeping on my stomach it's like knives stabbing my nipples!

- Emotional - I cry about most things now, and I was already a crier to begin with. I'm also more road-ragey than usual, "GET BACK ON YOUR SIDE OF THE ROAD YOU @$$#0!&!!"

- Super sense of smell: I can smell everyone around me, from their morning coffee to their cigarette before they got on the bus. This has also changed how I taste things!

- Frequent need to pee (and very thirsty to replace all that water!):  I've only gotten up a few times at night so far, but I do find myself making detours to the toilet a lot more at work, which can be challenging as a teacher. 

I'm booked in for my appointment with the midwife on Tuesday this week, and then for an ultrasound next Wednesday. It's all becoming very (thankfully) real, and all I want is to see a heartbeat on the first scan to calm my fears a bit. I know there is really no "safe" point in pregnancy  until the baby is literally in your arms, but the chances of survival are so much higher after you've seen a scan with a heartbeat. Then I'll have another scan a month later, so I'll be very reassured! I am trying to enjoy every moment that I have being pregnant, as I know I am so lucky. 

5 Weeks, 3 Days

Well, it's really official now, I am over 5 weeks pregnant! I have my first doctor's visit in a week and a half for which I am anxiously awaiting. I have taken two more pregnancy tests, each of them saying "pregnant" which has reassured me. My breasts hurt like WHOA pretty much all day, and the fatigue started this week so that I feel like I need a nap at about noon and then actually go to sleep at 9pm (instead of 10 or 11). 

What has surprised me the most is how incredibly anxious I am about this pregnancy. I am holding back by happiness until my first ultrasound (in December!!!) and I see that heartbeat. I know that most pregnancies are problem free, I've just know too many people who have had miscarriages to celebrate so soon. I'm trying to enjoy each day that I am pregnant and I have had a few daydreams of our future with a little bundle of joy in it. But I try to do a realty check and keep myself grounded.

I've shared the news with a few very close friends and my parents, because I know that should something happen, I will need support. Yes, I have my husband, but I need a bit wider of a network to get me through. So I reached out and shared the joyous news, and my favorite part was my parents. I bought them shirts that said,

"The best moms get promoted to grandma!" and...
"The best dads get promoted to grandpa!" ...

and had them open them on Skype with me. It was truly a moment to treasure when they realized what it meant and the screaming had stopped and they gave me a virtual hug. What made it even more wonderful was that my brother was unexpectedly there, so I got to share the news with him at the same time!

If all goes well I'll be able to tell my whole family and all my friends when I fly home for winter break, and I have plans for that reveal as well. But again, I'll be waiting until the ultrasound says it's a viable pregnancy.

So, I'll just keep going one day at a time and inch my way through this pregnancy, sending hope and good thoughts to my growing baby. 

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

I waited , like you should, until my period was a day late. But, I will admit, I bought a pregnancy test just in case AF didn't show the next morning. I didn't sleep very well last night, my boobs hurt, my back ached, my heart was racing, and I was SO THIRSTY. I convinced myself it was just more symptom spotting (I'm so good at symptom spotting!) I woke up at 4:45 and felt anxious and nervous. I wondered if getting up that early counted as FMU. I googled it. The consensus was yes, you could get up to pee and test that early and it counted. So, I slipped out of bed, grabbed my bag with both the test and my AF supplies, and trekked down the three flights of stairs to the bathroom. I felt slightly guilty for giving in to test, as I told my hubby I'd wait until I was home. But I just NEEDED to know. 

5 seconds of looking at the instructions (all in Croatian). 

5 seconds of peeing on a stick. 

One minute of waiting...  and there it was, bright as day.

A big, fat positive plus mark. 

Pregnant. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I think my heart stopped and then I almost burst out crying. Then I pulled myself back down to earth. I know too many people who have miscarried early to celebrate yet. But this is my first time EVER with a positive test, and I am over the moon, overjoyed. 

I fly home tomorrow where I plan to take a digital test to confirm the blue dye one that I took this morning. I also bought a little onesie to give to my hubby when I tell him the news. A part of me thought this day would never come, and this would never happen. I would never know this joy, I would never be a mother. Now I'm just praying for a sticky bean and a healthy pregnancy, taking it one day at a time. I don't know if I was extremely lucky, the meds really worked, or this would have happened at some point. I certainly didn't 'relax' this cycle! I think we had sex 6 days in a row to be super sure we caught my fertile window. I did completely enjoy myself on my one week solo holiday, but I don't think that has any affect on this result. 

Overall, I am so glad I took the test - I can avoid wine, oysters, sushi, and all the other wonderful food here. I'm glad I got my fill of them before I tested, but so relieved to know I can start making the right choices for myself now. And I know everyone said it will be perfect timing whenever it happens, but for me it really is. I will be able to just finish out my work contract with my due date of June 30th. I've always wanted a summer baby, and it gives us enough time to save up before baby arrives. 

That's all for now, I'm going to get back to this delicious, non-alcoholic drink! 

14 DPO and no AF

Well, I'm freaking out a little bit. This is my second official TWW (after 15 months of trying!) and it's killing me. I am symptom spotting everywhere, and I kept telling myself that I am not pregnant. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. 

But it's 14 DPO, and by this time in my last cycle, I was spotting on 13 DPO and had a full period by 14 DPO. But today? Nothing but sore nipples, an achy back, weird abdominal pain, extreme thirst and (sorry for sharing) lots of gas. My plan had been not to test until I got home from this vacation (on 16 DPO) but I actually hadn't even considered that I would be here. I brought two boxes of tampons, pads and liners in preparation, along with my Clomid. I was ready for try #3. 

I don't have any tests with me, so my plan at the moment is to wait out today - if nothing happens by then end then I'll buy a test for tomorrow morning. I know I said I wanted to be there with my sweet hubby, but also it'd be so fun to surprise him (and I'm not sure I could stand the torture of waiting two extra day).

Of course, my Luteal phase might be a day longer than usual, that's not completely unheard of. More waiting. Ugh, I hate waiting. 

No Temps, No Problem

So I'm currently 12dpo, the time that most women trying to get pregnant are going crazy. A test at this point might be accurate, but it's more likely to give you a false negative (or a just plain negative). It's almost like torture, the last two days before the testing time crawl by at an impossibly slow pace. Normally at this point, I'd be over analyzing every temperature, waiting for the dreaded drop right before my period starts and then my hopes are dashed on the rocks. 

Not this time, however. I very stupidly didn't pack my thermometer for my week-long trip to Dubrovnik where I would be on the all-too-crucial 14dpo. I have to almost guiltily admit that I'm loving it. Yes, I have no idea what my body is doing, but I don't have to wake up at 6:10am everyday of my holiday. I don't end up having a miserable day because my temp dropped. I don't hang my hopes on an abnormally high temp. Instead, I am just thoroughly enjoying this trip, dreading the day 14dpo arrives, while also not obsessing over it. The days are full and busy in the most wonderful way. Instead of filling every moment with reading the TTC boards, blogs and chat rooms, I am sitting on a cliff side, drinking beer, and watching the sunset. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be and all that jazz. I've been disappointed so many times at this point I am really just waiting for the next cycle to take my Clomid and try again and then get to my appointment with my RE in November so we can do something maybe a bit more drastic. 

I always said I didn't want to have to go onto injections. They hurt, like REALLY hurt. And I hate needles. And they leave bruises all over your body. And my poor hubby would be the one that had to inject me. But right now, I kind of wish I could move onto something that a higher success rate. It feels like I'm waiting for something that will never happen - is that how all infertiles feel before they find out they are miraculously pregnant? My point here is, at this point I'm ready for bigger steps if it means I have a chance. I guess I should be grateful that I ovulate on Clomid at all?

Also, if relaxing makes you pregnant (like so many wonderfully ignorant people believe) then this holiday should definitely make me pregnant. I've been so relaxed and calm, enjoying every moment that BAM of course I should be pregnant. Ha. Alright, I'm going to get back to this beer, it's singing my name. 2 days and counting until I know where I stand. I know all of my readers are waiting in suspense so I promise I'll even update in case of the bad news!

Ovulation Detected!

CD23 - 1 dpo - Clomid 100mg CD3-7

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So for the past three weeks I've been very patient, drinking grapefruit juice, checking my signs, and hoping, wishing, praying I would actually ovulate this cycle. It seems even if I did ovulate last cycle on 100mg it didn't mean I would necessarily ovulate again. Plus I kinda forgot to take one of my pills and had to take a double dose the next day. Oops. 

I tried OPKs, but they were always negative. I was discouraged at times, but tried to remember that I ovulated CD22 last cycle, so it was likely to happen around a similar time (if at all) this time around. The days just c r a w l e d by.

Then today, my temperature shot up, which if you track your BBT (basal body temperature), you know is a very accurate way to know when/if you ovulate. It doesn't require blood draws or scans or anything invasive - just 30 seconds with the thermometer every morning. I love the peace of mind I get, and now that I know I've ovulated I can take a rest from constant love making.

I know what you're thinking - trying for a baby is fun! Yay! And I should just be spontaneous and enjoy myself!

But if you're TTC, you probably see it a bit differently. Timed intercourse? Being on a schedule? Sex-on-demand for nearly a week? Even after a very long and trying day at work? Yeah, it turns out it's a bit more stressful then just throwing the BC out the window and "having fun". 

But back to the ovulation - with my temperature going up 0.5C, my plethora of EWCM yesterday and none today, I would say that I've definitely ovulated. I track my temperatures using FertilityFriend, a wonderful app and computer program. It thinks I'm 3pdo already, but I think otherwise. Either way, it's only good news.

And now, there's nothing to do except sit back and wait for the next two weeks. Luckily, I am going to be very busy. We have one more week of teaching and then it's the October half-term holiday! And I'm on my way to Croatia! I'll find out in Croatia if this round was successful or not, so at least I can celebrate or drown my sorrows. Now I have to decide, do I take a pregnancy test with me? Or wait until I'm late? I'll be 16dpo when I get back from my trip, so I'll either be very suspicious or AF will have already arrived. For right now, it's celebration time! 

Just Waiting...

CD 17 - Waiting to Ovulate - 100mg Clomid

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Sooooo.... not much happening over here. I'm CD 17 already and, if I had a regular cycle, would be in my TWW by now. Of course, I'm nowhere near normal, so instead I think I'll most likely ovulate in the next week or so. I don't even have any pre O symptoms so I have no concrete clues. With my new job time seems to be passing very quickly, and yet not quickly enough. I've put my sweet husband on notice for lots of romantic time in the next week or so in hopes of catching my fertile window. There's no such thing as too much sex when you're TTC!

That being said, I have no idea if I will even ovulate this month. I did manage to ovulate last month thanks to Clomid, but it's not a sure thing yet. I'm still not counting on it - can you really count on anything when you have PCOS and endometriosis and a history of many (MANY!) anovulatory cycles. Without my constant monitoring by ultrasound and blood tests, I have no idea whether I have any follicles or not. Because I do monitor my temperature, at least I will know if I HAVE ovulated or not due to a sustained temperature rise. So every morning at 6 I check my temp and hope to see a spike - nothing's happened so far!

And every day, I try to just keep living my life, just keep pushing on. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one breath then another. I try not to think too hard or too long about it all, it only makes my heart ache and feel empty all at once. I just booked a trip to Croatia for a week of sun and relaxation. If all works out, I'll be in my TWW by then and it will help the time zip by. I'm really looking forward to the trip - lots of beaches, wine, and culture - but of course, as always, I'd rather be pregnant. Sigh.   

Until that time, I'll try to spend my time living, not just waiting. 

Clomid Round Two at 100 mg

Well, I promised an update so here I am. As you may have noticed from the title, I'm on my second Clomid cycle (at 100mg) but my third Clomid cycle overall. This worries me a bit, as doctors normally only allow you to try six Clomid cycles before they move on to stronger drugs. My doctor has noted that we'll move on to injectibles - and I hate needles.

By now you've deduced that my last Clomid cycle ended without any positive results. I did manage to hold off testing, but I was thoroughly disappointed when my period started. I had hoped that all the signs were pointing to pregnancy! At least now I know what my PMS signs look like, as I think this is only my second natural ovulation in a year. All I can do now is look forward to this next cycle and do everything I can to make it work. Hubby and I don't have any plans to be apart this time, so at least that timing works.

I guess I shouldn't be too disappointed, as this was my first real chance of pregnancy in 13 months, it's not much a surprise that it didn't work. Any normal couple (without any infertility issues) only has a 1 in 5 of getting pregnant in any one cycle. Who knows what other issues I have lurking around the corner? 

So today I start Clomid, and I've decided to take it at night in hopes that the side effects will be less drastic, or occurring during my sleep so I don't notice them as much. I'm trying to keep my stress levels down, although with my new job that might be quite difficult. I'm even more grateful that I accepted this job as it provides a perfect 10 months of distraction. 

Not much else to update on just now. CD 3 is both depressing and exciting - depressing because it means the last cycle was unsuccessful, but exciting because it means there is a new cycle starting. I'm hoping to ovulate earlier than CD 22, and the nurse at the Fertility Clinic was concerned by my 'long cycle' last month. At 35 days, my last cycle was the shortest cycles I've had since we started TTC (the next shortest was 41 days!), so I can't even imagine having the normal, 28 day cycle! Anything shorter than 112 days is pretty great for me - I think most women with PCOS can agree. I wonder what they'll do if this is another 'long cycle'? Add more meds? I'll do pretty much anything at this point!

The Two Week Wait

Well, I'm officially 10 dpo and nothing interesting has happened. I've had so few legit two week waits (TWW) that I've almost forgotten how awful they are. The days crawl by at the slowest, almost incomprehensible rate. Every moment I wonder if I'm pregnant, if I'm not, and what I'll do next.

I've just been offered the most amazing job, which of course, I accepted. You can't let this baby making business take over you entire life! If I'm preggers this cycle, I'll make it work, if I'm not, then I'll make that work too, no worries. 

I'm trying my best not to symptom spot, but anyone actively trying to get pregnant understands what I'm going though. My nipples are pointing different ways! Let me google that and see if that means I'm pregnant! I had a slightly weird tugging motion in my lower abdomen, I must be pregnant! It's almost like a disease, this TTC! I'm attempting to not be so crazy, but let me tell you, it's hard work. 

I'm even going to attempt not testing with a real test (digital) until I'm 14 dpo (we all know how well that worked before!) in hopes of avoiding another stark-white negative test. I promise to update here as things go along. Until then, I'm excited about this new life opportunity. Keep living you life, keep building on your dreams, you never know what tomorrow will hold!

The Waiting Room

It's early, and most of the hospital hasn't opened up yet and the sun has just peeked over the horizon. The corridors are empty, but there is one room filled to the brim with people. Signs advertising support groups plaster the walls, and old magazines lie in large stacks on the table. 

"The only thing more painful than having a baby is not being able to have a baby," one poster pronounces. Amen sister, I think.

On the battered, green plastic chairs every type of person waits. There are couples of all descriptions, holding hands, nervous, quietly chatting or lost in their own silent world. There are far more women on their own, passing time on their phones, reading, or staring into space. Where are their minds wandering? Probably the same place as mine - we are all here fighting for the same thing. The treatments may all be different but I still feel a kindred spirit with the others who share this space with me. It is mercifully beach-ball-belly free, as only those who are struggling to conceive are invited inside. 

Today, however, there is a woman with her daughter, who looks to be about 4 or 5. Without noticing it at first, I feel the anger and jealousy in me rising up; jealous of her child, and anger at her for flaunting something we all so desperately, deeply want. Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that secondary infertility is STILL infertility. That doesn't make me feel much better. Let it go, I tell myself. I look back down at my magazine and remind myself there is not a limited amount of babies allowed in the world.

The woman with her child is called from the waiting room and I find myself wondering what I will do if I have one child and then (like this time) I'm unable to get pregnant on my own and I need treatment. Would I bring my child in to the fertility clinic with me? Is it wrong to want a second child when we fight with everything we have just for the first one? 

Now it's just women and couples again, all waiting to be called in. Most of us will receive bad news, some might receive good news, the majority of us will be back here later this week or month for another scan, another blood draw, another round of medications. The lengths we will go to to have a baby of our own knows no bounds. They call my name and it's my turn again. I cross my fingers and say a prayer and hope against hope that this time, something has gone right.

One (BIG) Follicle!

Cycle Day 22, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, Second monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).

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After my last monitoring appointment, I had no hope for this cycle. With no follicles in sight, the doctor said to come back in a week to check one last time before bringing on my period and trying me at 150mg Clomid. So I put everything aside and focused on me. I had a lot of things going on! My sweet hubby and I flew to Geneva, where we spent the day visiting friends before driving to France so I could complete my second Half-Ironman. I had prepared for this moment for 6 months (and secretly prayed I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to actually complete it!) and finally the day had come. Honestly, I blasted my expectations out of the water and completed the race in 6:33:51 (my previous time had beed 7:14:12!). My swim, bike and run all were enjoyable and, although not easy, not too terribly difficult either. I never felt that dreaded feeling you can sometimes get in an endurance race of, "I can't go one more step - I can't finish!" I ended with a big smile and a sprint, and I was very proud of myself and my strong body (for the first time in a long time!)

I returned to the UK ready to face my second monitoring appointment. It went as usual - except I started crying in the scan room. But let's back up a bit to go through each part. It started like always with a blood draw and small talk with the nurses, then a wait for the internal ultrasound. The doctor checking me in the scan room was visibly pregnant and as we had never met, she introduced herself. Then she started by measuring my uterine lining (8mm, a decent number), and then moving onto my left ovary. I watched the screen as always and saw the string-of-pearl-cysts.

"Nothing but small cysts in the left ovary," the doctor called out to her assistant, who scrawled it down on her paper.

I looked up at the ceiling instead of craning to look at the screen as usual. I knew what was coming. I could feel the disappointment welling up in me and I was mentally preparing myself. 

"18 x 24mm, one big follicle, and it looks like it's about to release!" My head snapped to the screen at these words. I couldn't believe it. There it was, clear as day, one dominant follicle. The kind that most women get every month and don't even think about. I burst into tears. The nice assistant handed me a tissue and told me it was okay and not to cry - that the other doctors would thin they were torturing me. I explained through my tears that this would be my first chance to get pregnant in 13 months. As the doctor fished around with the dildo cam for the best view, and took a few more pictures, I felt the hope soar inside of me. This was amazing news! Clomid 100mg DID work for me! I don't have to move onto injectables yet!

After the scan finished they left me to get dressed, and when I exited the scan room, all the nurses and doctors standing there did a little cheer for me. "You've got to celebrate the little victories, right?" I said. They all nodded emphatically with me and patted me on the back. They told me the follicle was so mature that they weren't going to trigger me this time. I should get home, get busy, and come back in a week to check to be sure it had released. 

It was my first drive back from the clinic that wasn't seen through tear-clouded eyes. It was the first good news I had received since we started all this in August 2014. I got home and I couldn't hide my joy. After sharing the news with my husband, we celebrated together. Even if this round doesn't end in pregnancy, at least we know there are more rounds ahead of us, more rounds with a chance! No more 120+ day cycles and never ending waiting. 

I'm also very grateful I decided to join my husband on his business trip this weekend - otherwise we could have missed my window! I'll update a bit more as these next few weeks continue, but I still can't stop smiling. 

An Ovary Full of Cysts

Cycle Day 12, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, First monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).

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Usually the beginning of a cycle makes me anxious an excited for *maybe* something good happening. The beginning of this cycle seemed to appear out of nowhere while I was in Prague visiting my cousin and then things just got more hectic from there. I barely noticed that my first monitoring appointment was quickly approaching until yesterday night. The nerves started again, but I just looked the other way and focused on all the other things I needed to do (and there is a lot I need to do!)

Then this morning arrived and I went into the fertility clinic like usual. Unlike the previous times, I had no butterflies in my stomach or strong hopes for something good. I was just trying to be realistic and protect myself. 

Good thing too.

After the blood draw, I went in for the dildo cam and as the doctor measured my lining (3cm) and then inspected one ovary, and then the other, I could see what was coming. I'm getting good at understanding the ultrasound screen. 

"Wow," she commented, "Look at all those cysts just sitting there and doing nothing!"

"I know," I replied, "Come on ovaries, you have ONE JOB!" I was trying to lighten the mood and pretend like this was all okay. But again, it's just crushing. 

With the internal ultrasound bit over, the doctor said I should come in again in a week, just in case I responded slower to the meds and something happened. I explained I'd be away for a race until Wednesday of the following week, and she said that was fine, because there was just no activity in my ovaries. Not even a hint of a slightly larger follicle. Just pearls of cysts taking up as much space as possible and being totally and completely useless. 

At first I felt just a bit numb and I was proud of myself for not tearing up. I knew this was a possibility, I had prepared myself for the fact that 100mg of Clomid may not work. I managed to hold it all together until I got to the car and got through the ticket gates and back onto the main road. I feel like every time I leave that hospital, I'm crying. 

So now I'll be focusing on my big race this Saturday. There's nothing I can do until next week at my next appointment, so I won't spend any time dwelling on it. Of course, I'll keep temping, checking my CM, and drinking grapefruit juice, but I've got other things to worry about. And this is why you have to keep living, keep making plans, keep on keeping on - because if cycle after cycle fails, you need a life boat to cling on to so you don't drown in the hopelessness and sadness of it all.

Clomid Round 2 at 100mg and Raging Side Effects

Cycle Day 11, Second Clomid Cycle (days 3-7) at 100mg

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I feel like it's been far too long since I've done any updating, but then again there wasn't much to say. I had to wait for the last cycle to end (63 days!) with the help of Provera and then to take Clomid for this cycle. Since the last round did nothing but create more cysts, the doctors have upped my dosage. 

I noticed an immediate difference from the last Clomid round to this one. My temperature was much higher while taking it, and I had some of the often-talked about side effects - moodiness, headaches, hot flashes, and crazy dreams. I'm hoping this is a good sign, and that it means the meds will actually work this time (but I'm not holding my breath!)

The mood swings side effect was the one that surprised me most, and surprised my sweet husband as well! We had friends flying all the way in from Canada to visit us that day, and I had just gotten home from a trip to Prague. I was desperately trying to make a shopping list and plan meals so I could get to the store before they arrived. As I scoured Pinterest for a child-friendly, vegetarian-friendly meal, my hubby walked in. I asked if he though baked ziti was a good idea for the first dinner and he gave me a blank stare. "What's ziti?" he asked. And that's when the explosion of angry screaming from me started, mostly about how he was being so unhelpful and trying to frustrate me and why couldn't he just make something easier?!! Why couldn't he just tell me that was the perfect meal?!!

I realized after he backed out of the room that maybe I was being a bit unreasonable. Hormones can sure make you do crazy things! Needless to say after the eruption I went to find my husband and apologize for the pulsing anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I am so lucky I got a guy that understands me and knows that something like that is so out of character that we can just blame the drugs and move on.

The crazy dreams are also very surprising, as usually my dreams fade immediately after I wake up. This time, however, my first fantastical dream was so real I had to do some fact checking after I woke up just to make sure it wasn't true! Every night has been like that since I started the pills, and now that I've finished with them I hope they will stop soon. 

Tomorrow morning I have my first monitoring appointment for this Clomid cycle. I am trying not to think about it, or get anxious about it, because the last few visits have been so disappointing. My ovaries just don't do their job! On top of all that, I leave on Thursday for a half-ironman race in France. I signed up for this back in March, praying by now I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to complete it. Alas, here we are 6 months later and no closer to being pregnant, so I've got to at least attempt it. This all means that around my O date, I won't be near the clinic to get a trigger shot, and I'll have quite a lot of stress hormones coursing through my system. I'm half hoping my ovulation is delayed like many other PCOS-ers, and that it doesn't happen until I'm back from France but there is nothing I can count on. I'll just have to go in tomorrow, give some blood, deal with the dildo-cam, and take it from there. 

The only thing I have to cling on to is that if this cycle doesn't work, then I will be able to attend my best friend's wedding next May. I'm her maid of honor, so I REALLY want to go but she knows that if something good happens this month then I will only be attending via Skype. Her wedding date is 9 months from when I'm due to ovulate this cycle, so it's good/bad timing. That's the life of TTC, always counting ahead to the next cycle, the next possible due date, the next appointment...

Now only time will tell... if you're reading this, wish me luck tomorrow!

Reactions, Positivity, and Understanding

While visiting my friends and family in America (some with children, some with grandchildren, some without any), it was interesting to see people's reactions, responses, and comments if I chose to share my current struggle with infertility. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with this situation - A bottle of wine in each hand? Mimosas every day at breakfast? How do you respond to a topic that consumes you when you're home but that is so difficult to discuss?

As I had guessed most people brought up the topic with me quite quickly. With more than five years of marriage, a new home and low-stress job, it looks like the perfect set-up for a family. As they eyed my very full wine glass, they would inquire, "So, are you thinking about starting a family?" and I would choose my response carefully. Usually something like, "Yep, we are trying pretty hard, but no luck so far!" Humor can make any topic seem normal. 

I had expected some of the normal responses for someone who is trying-but-not-succeeding: At least you're young! It'll happen when the time's right! Maybe you should adopt! You know all the ones I'm talking about. I had prepared myself for them as well, and mostly let them slide right over me without taking them to heart. No one is trying to be hurtful with their comments. People don't know how to react to a situation they have never encountered. They want to give advice, they want to give hope, they want you to be happy and positive and make THEM feel comfortable. And I get it - infertility is a pretty uncomfortable topic. Society has made it very taboo to talk about reproduction, and I also believe the explicit details of my journey are a private topic for trusted close friends and family (except, apparently, on this all-too-public blog, but that's something else entirely).  

So for a lot of my interactions with friends and family while on my visit to America, I lied. Instead of sharing how I really feel most of the time (hopeless, frustrated, angry, inadequate, and more...), I pulled on my brave-face mask and echo their sentiments and hide my real thoughts.  For the most part, people don't want to hear that you are not okay. They want the easy, comfortable, sanitized version. They want me to be positive and joyful like I normally am towards difficult situations in life. I can't really blame them, everyone has enough of their own troubles in their life - why do they need mine too?

One friend, however, really surprised me. Instead of a cliché comment, advice, reassurance, or positivity, she offered support and understanding. Instead of rushing to tell me how, "I would get there someday," or "It would all be alright," or telling me about her roommate's cousin's sister with PCOS who miraculously had a baby - she commiserated with me. 

"You must be so frustrated"
"It might never happen, I'm so sorry."
"I know what it's like to go through something difficult. I'm here if you ever need to talk about it"

And for that moment, I didn't feel like I was hiding behind a mask or pretending to be the sunny, positive, shiny me. I could just share my real thoughts and put everything out there on the table. I felt so free for the moment. When we said goodbye I gave her several big hugs. I don't think she even realized how important that conversation was for me. 

Everyone deals with infertility in their own way, and I don't think there is one right way to do it. I just know showing understanding and compassion instead of rushing to slap on a band-aid can do wonders for someone like me. And if you're reading this and struggling too - I understand, and I'm sorry for your frustration and difficulty. 

The Beer Trigger

With no temperature change, no response to medication, and now no husband (I left him behind this trip!), you would think I could move on and enjoy this vacation I'm taking while I visit so many friends and family. And most of the time, that's true. Between trying to get my work done, completing my training schedule, and seeing everyone, I am busier than ever. It's the quiet moments that catch me by surprise and have the ability to pull me down into the dark spiral of 'What ifs' and negative thoughts. 

Just yesterday I was flying from Chicago to LAX, when I looked at the beer I was drinking and nearly broke down sobbing. I don't WANT to be able to drink beer - I want to be pregnant! And sober! And bloated! And throwing up with morning sickness! And running to the bathroom every 5 minutes because there's a BABY sitting on my bladder! The thing I wanted the least was to be able to drink that beer. But I was on a plane full of people, and wailing and crying in a confined space is never a good idea, so I bit my lip, and (as is my new habit) pushed those feelings and thoughts back as deep in as they could go. They've tried to rise back to the surface a few times since, and I try to push them deeper still. How long can I keep ignoring them and distracting myself so I don't have to feel it? I guess only time will tell.

I had hoped this trip would be so busy I would never have a free minute to think about how long this process is taking and how long it might continue to take. But wherever you go, there you are - you can't run (or take a vacation!) from your thoughts and feelings, because they are always there with you. Instead I'm going to try to acknowledge them and just keep moving forward, one second, minute, hour, and day at a time. Because what else can I do?

Second Clomid Cycle On Its Way

With my first disappointing cycle behind me and another 50+ day cycle continuing on, I finally had the chance to visit the fertility clinic. My time during my travel in America made the days pass, thankfully, quite quickly but this next cycle was always in the back of my mind. I was always anxious, always waiting for the days to tick on.

The visit to the clinic was very brief - no more than 5 minutes. They determined I still hadn't ovulated (and most likely wouldn't), and prescribed me Provera (to bring on a period) and then Clomid 100mg for days 3-7 in hopes of making me ovulate.

I'm now on day 2 out of 7 of Provera, and I've seen my temperature increase already. More than anything I am just anxious to get on with it and have a real chance. We're back to a different kind of waiting - waiting for the end of this cycle and the start of the next one without any happy TWW maybe-I'm-pregnant-maybe-I'm-not guessing and hoping in-between.

Part of me is optimistic that something will finally happen this time around. Most of me doesn't believe that anything will. Maybe that's just a bit of self-preservation. Every time I hope, I set myself up for failure. But if I already think it's not going to work (and by some miracle it does) then I will be surprised and ecstatic. 

Only time will tell - and of course I'll be updating here as it goes along. If you're reading this, will you say a prayer and cross your fingers and think positive thoughts my way? I need all the good vibes I can get.

First Clomid Cycle (non) Update

Well I have to say, I have almost been purposefully avoiding this blog. Mostly because thinking about it just made things worse. Like sobbing, wailing, crying worse. Usually writing is extremely cathartic for me - I write it down and it lets me release my feelings and helps me return to normal.

But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.

And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round. 

The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office. 

I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!

As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something. 

Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine! 

Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years. 

Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears. 

With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!

Second Monitoring Appointment (CD 19)

I woke up this morning with that nervous, excited anticipation that you get before a blind date or first day of school. The one where you can't wait to get where you're going, but also worried about what is going to come from getting there. It was my second monitoring appointment for this first Clomid cycle, and I was hoping (praying really), that my two, slightly larger follicles have grown and responded to the 50mg of Clomid. 

I got to the fertility clinic early, sending up a silent prayer for the clinic not being in the same area as the maternity ward, and so not being filled with pregnant, happy women. I wrote my name down on the sign-in sheet and waited no more than 5 minutes before I was called in by a kind, chatty nurse to get my blood drawn. Next was the dildo-cam, and at this point my stomach was doing flips and I just kept thinking to myself, over and over, "Please, please, please show that my follicles have grown! Please, please, please!" I waited a few minutes more on the awkward, spread-your-legs chair before the doctor and assistant came in to start the ultrasound. The dildo-cam was quickly inserted and started with my uterus. "Oh, very nice, thick lining!" the doctor exclaimed as she measured it and called out the numbers to her assistant. Well this was a good start! I thought to myself. Then she pivoted the dildo-cam to the side to check out the main feature, my ovaries. She pushed this way and that, trying (and maybe hoping too?) to find a dominant follicle. She found one slightly larger than the rest, but after measuring it she realized it had shrunk from my last visit a week ago. Switching to the other side, she searched in vain for something that might pass for a follicle. Zip, zero, nada. She didn't even bother to measure anything on the other side, it was so obvious how small the follicles were.  

I could see it on her face before she said anything. A kind smile, but also a tiny bit sad. She explained that it didn't look as if I had responded to 50mg of Clomid, and that we'd need to up the dosage for the next cycle. She asked me to come in again on Friday for one last check before they prescribed Provera again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as they left the room to let me get dressed again. I managed to make it out of the clinic before I started crying.

Rationally, I knew this might happen. It may take a few cycles to find the right dosage of Clomid, and because of the side-effects they always start with a low dose then work their way up. But my body had been showing signs of imminent ovulation - egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) a high, open cervix, and an increased sex-drive. Even with all these signs, from the scans we can see there is no chance I'll be ovulating any time soon. I'm so angry at my body, for letting me down again and for tricking me into thinking something good was coming. Since I'll be away traveling for 3 weeks, I know that I won't have a chance in July, so our next shot is in August. It may not seem far away, but it's another 2 months down the line. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm always waiting - and even when I do all this waiting, I don't even have a fighting chance. 

When I came home from my appointment and the drive/cry home, my lovely hubby was up waiting for me to see how it went. I just asked for a hug, knowing I couldn't trust myself to explain it yet. I left myself just stay there for a while, let myself be hugged and tried to calm myself down. Then I got a lot of hugs and cuddles and kisses as I explained the appointment and results. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband, someone who I am so happy to be with, even after five years of marriage. 

So now I haven't got much choice but to keep moving on and looking forward to my future plans. I've realized there isn't a chance I'll be pregnant by the end of August, so my training for my half-ironman is in full swing (and boy can my muscles feel it!). I've got plenty of things to keep me busy and to look forward to, so I just have to push away this dark cloud, hide it in a closet or cupboard, and keep pushing forward, one step at a time. Why dwell on something you can't change? Why worry about the future when, "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" (a quote from the graduation speech "Wear Sunscreen".).

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Try not to get caught up in this moment right now. Try to see the long game, try to enjoy what you can while you can. Wine, sushi, sleeping in late, travel, spontaneity, beer, margaritas, gin & tonic... and deep breath in, deep breath out. 

First Clomid Monitoring Appointment

This morning was my much anticipated visit to the fertility clinic to see if I've responded to the Clinic. The way it works here is I show up any time between 8-8:45, write my name on a paper, and then wait until I'm called. It's first come, first serve, so getting in early is the key to not waiting too long.

Well I managed to arrive at about 8:30 (not exactly early), but there was no one else on the list above me who was still waiting to be seen. Within a few minutes they called me back to have my blood drawn. I explained to the nurse that it was my first time having a monitored cycle, and that I wanted to know what to expect. She explained that I would get my blood drawn, have a quick scan, then they would tell me when I should come back. She was helpful, friendly, and knowledgable and that definitely put me at ease. I had blood drawn (I give so much blood, it's a wonder there's any left!), and then went back to the waiting room to be called in for my scan.

I had been warned there was a bit of a line for the scan room, so I wasn't surprised when they called me in nearly 20 minutes later. It was the usual, get half undressed, cover yourself with a blanket, and wait awkwardly in the stirrups deal. Still, I find this infinitely better than my gynecologist in Switzerland who had you undress in the same room, then walk over to the seat, hop on and spread 'em (without a blanket or anything!). Anyways, I digress.

The fun dildo-wand (or if you're being technical, internal ultrasound wand), quickly inserted and the scan began. First they checked my lining - the doctor said it was a bit on the thin side, but nothing to be worried about. Next they checked each ovary - once again I could see the characteristic "string of pearls" a.k.a. cysts, cluttering up my ovaries. There was one follicle slightly larger than the others, and the doctor measured it, calling out the numbers to her assistant. She moved onto my other ovary, again checking all of the smaller cysts before finding the slightly larger one. She repeated the measurement, pulled out the wand, then told me they'd like me back in on Friday to see if these follicles are developing, or are just slightly larger cysts that will stall like all the others. 

After slipping back on my clothes I made my way home from the clinic, a little apprehensive but feeling overall positive. They could have looked at my ovaries and not seen ANY larger follicles, so this was good news!

My positive outlook only lasted until early afternoon, when we missed a call from the office and were instructed to call back. They had run my blood analysis and my estrogen and FSH levels hadn't increased in any way that suggested imminent ovulation, so they wanted to push my next visit back until next Monday. I know it's only 3 days later, but I feel quite disappointed. Only having to wait until Friday wasn't too bad - but now I had to wait a whole week to see if I've responded to the medication. And my trip to America is coming up - I don't want this to take so long that I ovulate when I'm away from my darling husband! 

I suppose there is nothing I can do until next Monday except wait, and hope, and baby-dance just in case. So if you're reading this, cross your fingers that next Monday will have better news and this cycle will offer me my first real chance of pregnancy!

That Room

You know the one I'm talking about. When you were looking at moving into that house (or apartment), you thought it was perfect. It gave you room to grow. That special place that you imagined crib, a colorful mobile, and maybe a rocking chair. Where you would arrange tiny socks and shirts and pants into tiny drawers. Where you would sing soft songs and read good-night stories and rock-a-bye-baby. The meant-to-be room that's all too silent; the room that should be filled with laughing and giggles and smiles, and yes, lots of crying too.

That room that feels so empty, and yet you can't quite bear to do anything else useful with it. Maybe if you just sparsely furnish it, you think to yourself, it won't be so painful. Maybe if you leave room for that crib and changing table, then you know there's still space. You're not giving up on the nursery you've dreamed of, just making the most of today and using the space you have.

You push those feelings back, thinking of when you first saw that room and how excited you were to fill it with happiness, joy, shining eyes and chubby little cheeks. It will happen someday, you tell yourself. It might take longer than you planned, but it will happen. You try to be hopeful, try to ignore that room - or avoid going in it altogether. 

But that room is always there, silent, empty, and a constant reminder of what you don't have.  

First Clomid Cycle (CD3)

Today marks a new day in my TTC journey. Let's do a little recap: My last cycle was only 51 days, which is less than half of the cycle before. Technically it was a short cycle, but still - 51 days is a long time to be doing nothing. The only reason this cycle was only 51 days was that Provera worked its magic and brought on a period that would have never arrived otherwise. I have never been so overjoyed for Aunt Flo to arrive, because of everything she brings with her. 

For those of you who are interested in Provera (and I was when I was taking it!) I was prescribed two tablets a day for 7 days. The nurse said I should get my period 7-10 days after the LAST pill was taken, but that some ladies had their periods come much earlier (like 2-3 days after). Anxiously, I waited and hoped for my period to arrive early (how often does that happen when you're TTC?). Spoiler alert: It didn't! At that point I was googling nearly everything, including "What if my period doesn't come after Provera?" and "Could I be pregnant even if I took Provera and didn't have sex?" (you get the idea, right?). Turns out all this baby making sometimes makes me a bit mental. Then, 10 days after my last pill I FINALLY started spotting, and the next day my period started in full force. *Insert nervous laugh*. I don't know why I was acting so crazy, I always knew my period would come!

And that, my friends, brings us to today. Completely relieved, that is how I feel. Relieved and excited and nervous to finally, for the first time, REALLY be trying with a real chance at getting pregnant. Because today is my Cycle Day 3 (CD3) = FIRST DAY OF CLOMID!

I know Clomid might cause all kinds of crazy symptoms (headache, hot flashes, emotional swings, general craziness, etc.), but if it gets me a baby, I'm happy to take all of them. I'll come back tomorrow and see if I have been one of the unlucky ones to get the side effects. Until then, I'm enjoying a relaxing weekend with my hubby in a beautiful city and eating raw fish and drinking alcohol. Because here's hoping next month I'll be pregnant and this is my last fun hurrah! You gotta be hopeful sometime, right?

The Waiting Game

In order to start my first real round of "trying" with medical intervention, I need this cycle to end. My doctor prescribed Provera, which is a synthetic version of the progesterone that a woman's body naturally produces after ovulation. The gist is you take the pills for a certain number of days (I took mine for a week), then your body is tricked into thinking you've ovulated, and your period comes. The nurse told me my period could arrive a few days after the last pill, or up to two weeks after. 

Well it's only been 6 days and already it feels like an eternity. It's like the most tortuous two week wait, because nothing good is going to come from it (definitely no pregnancy!). And I have to say, I am beginning to get very impatient again. This cycle has only been 48 days (so far) and I know compared to my last cycle, that isn't too bad. But that's still about 20 days longer than a normal cycle, and I just want to get moving. I am so tired of waiting around for my body to do something normal. I feel like it never cooperates or makes things easy on me. 

And there is nothing I can do besides get through one day, then another, waiting for my period, and Day 3 of my cycle to start Clomid. Will it be this week? Or next week? Or will Provera even work for me? 

Until then all I can do is cross my fingers and wait and hope that something will go according to plan... 

Friends and Infertility

This past week I was very lucky to be able to fly to Switzerland to visit my old friends, colleagues, and students. It had been ten months since my last visit, and everything seemed to have stayed the same, even though I have changed. I spent my days rushing from one place to another, trying to squeeze everyone in, and all in all I think I succeeded. By the end of the six days I was exhausted and coming down with a cold (typical of my time there!).

Do you ever take a step back from your life and really examine the friends and acquaintances who fill it? Leaving Switzerland allowed me this option, and this trip back highlighted the friends I can rely on and trust, and the friends who are too wrapped up in their own lives to pay attention to others. 

Many of my friends wanted to hear about my big round-the-world trip. Most asked how the life and job in my new home were. Some of my friends wanted to know how I was doing - was I settling in okay? Was I making friends? Was I happy? Even fewer friends were interested (and then very supportive) about this new struggle I am working through. It felt like such a relief to talk about it with some real, live, people (not just my lovely husband!). Friends who know who I am and what I want most, friends who comfort me and tell me I can call anytime, no matter what. I can count these friends on one hand, and that's okay.

Other friends were too busy telling me about their own life/work/pregnancy/baby to actually have a conversation with me. It's not that I need to bitch and moan all day, or go on and on about everything related to me - but this is a part of my life, a big part, and if you're truly my friend it's probably better if you know at least a little bit about what's happening in it. Some of my "friends" never took a moment to ask.

Of course one of the hardest parts about visiting so many people were the near-constant comments about how it was time to start a family with my big, family home and family-centered neighborhood. I tried to fend this one off by always holding a glass (or a bottle) of wine. When I mentioned we're trying, and that it's taking longer than we'd like, of course I got the whole range of unhelpful remarks:

"It'll be your turn soon"
"Oh just relax, it'll happen"
"Enjoy your life while you have it!"
"You're so young"
"Insert every other insensitive comment you can think of - I'm sure I heard it this weekend"

And if the person I was talking to was someone I regarded as being a close friend, and I confided the actual situation I was in, then usually out came the stories...

"My uncle's cousin's niece had PCOS and she had 3 kids!"
"I had a colleague whose daughter had endo and she got pregnant!"
"So and so tried for years and then when she stopped trying she got pregnant right away!"
"There was a girl a work who adopted and then she was pregnant with twins!"
"Insert your own story of some random person who got pregnant even though it was difficult"

I'm not sure if these stories help me or make me feel worse. I think people tell them because they want to give me hope. But that person in the story and their problems (even if they have PCOS or endo), will never be the same as me and mine. What worked for them might not work for me, or for any other woman for that matter. There is no magic infertility pill. It almost feels like salt in a wound - look at these women who can get pregnant despite their problems and you can't! Unless it was someone who is currently struggling with infertility, or has struggled in the past, it seemed people just didn't know how to react.  

Overall I think I came back from my trip with a better idea of the friends I could trust, the friends I would continue to talk to, and the friends I would no longer put in the effort with. I think it's important to know who those real friends are, as they can help lighten your load and remind you that no matter what you are going through, you aren't alone.