14 DPO and no AF

Well, I'm freaking out a little bit. This is my second official TWW (after 15 months of trying!) and it's killing me. I am symptom spotting everywhere, and I kept telling myself that I am not pregnant. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. 

But it's 14 DPO, and by this time in my last cycle, I was spotting on 13 DPO and had a full period by 14 DPO. But today? Nothing but sore nipples, an achy back, weird abdominal pain, extreme thirst and (sorry for sharing) lots of gas. My plan had been not to test until I got home from this vacation (on 16 DPO) but I actually hadn't even considered that I would be here. I brought two boxes of tampons, pads and liners in preparation, along with my Clomid. I was ready for try #3. 

I don't have any tests with me, so my plan at the moment is to wait out today - if nothing happens by then end then I'll buy a test for tomorrow morning. I know I said I wanted to be there with my sweet hubby, but also it'd be so fun to surprise him (and I'm not sure I could stand the torture of waiting two extra day).

Of course, my Luteal phase might be a day longer than usual, that's not completely unheard of. More waiting. Ugh, I hate waiting. 

Just Waiting...

CD 17 - Waiting to Ovulate - 100mg Clomid

---

Sooooo.... not much happening over here. I'm CD 17 already and, if I had a regular cycle, would be in my TWW by now. Of course, I'm nowhere near normal, so instead I think I'll most likely ovulate in the next week or so. I don't even have any pre O symptoms so I have no concrete clues. With my new job time seems to be passing very quickly, and yet not quickly enough. I've put my sweet husband on notice for lots of romantic time in the next week or so in hopes of catching my fertile window. There's no such thing as too much sex when you're TTC!

That being said, I have no idea if I will even ovulate this month. I did manage to ovulate last month thanks to Clomid, but it's not a sure thing yet. I'm still not counting on it - can you really count on anything when you have PCOS and endometriosis and a history of many (MANY!) anovulatory cycles. Without my constant monitoring by ultrasound and blood tests, I have no idea whether I have any follicles or not. Because I do monitor my temperature, at least I will know if I HAVE ovulated or not due to a sustained temperature rise. So every morning at 6 I check my temp and hope to see a spike - nothing's happened so far!

And every day, I try to just keep living my life, just keep pushing on. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one breath then another. I try not to think too hard or too long about it all, it only makes my heart ache and feel empty all at once. I just booked a trip to Croatia for a week of sun and relaxation. If all works out, I'll be in my TWW by then and it will help the time zip by. I'm really looking forward to the trip - lots of beaches, wine, and culture - but of course, as always, I'd rather be pregnant. Sigh.   

Until that time, I'll try to spend my time living, not just waiting. 

Clomid Round Two at 100 mg

Well, I promised an update so here I am. As you may have noticed from the title, I'm on my second Clomid cycle (at 100mg) but my third Clomid cycle overall. This worries me a bit, as doctors normally only allow you to try six Clomid cycles before they move on to stronger drugs. My doctor has noted that we'll move on to injectibles - and I hate needles.

By now you've deduced that my last Clomid cycle ended without any positive results. I did manage to hold off testing, but I was thoroughly disappointed when my period started. I had hoped that all the signs were pointing to pregnancy! At least now I know what my PMS signs look like, as I think this is only my second natural ovulation in a year. All I can do now is look forward to this next cycle and do everything I can to make it work. Hubby and I don't have any plans to be apart this time, so at least that timing works.

I guess I shouldn't be too disappointed, as this was my first real chance of pregnancy in 13 months, it's not much a surprise that it didn't work. Any normal couple (without any infertility issues) only has a 1 in 5 of getting pregnant in any one cycle. Who knows what other issues I have lurking around the corner? 

So today I start Clomid, and I've decided to take it at night in hopes that the side effects will be less drastic, or occurring during my sleep so I don't notice them as much. I'm trying to keep my stress levels down, although with my new job that might be quite difficult. I'm even more grateful that I accepted this job as it provides a perfect 10 months of distraction. 

Not much else to update on just now. CD 3 is both depressing and exciting - depressing because it means the last cycle was unsuccessful, but exciting because it means there is a new cycle starting. I'm hoping to ovulate earlier than CD 22, and the nurse at the Fertility Clinic was concerned by my 'long cycle' last month. At 35 days, my last cycle was the shortest cycles I've had since we started TTC (the next shortest was 41 days!), so I can't even imagine having the normal, 28 day cycle! Anything shorter than 112 days is pretty great for me - I think most women with PCOS can agree. I wonder what they'll do if this is another 'long cycle'? Add more meds? I'll do pretty much anything at this point!

One (BIG) Follicle!

Cycle Day 22, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, Second monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).

---

After my last monitoring appointment, I had no hope for this cycle. With no follicles in sight, the doctor said to come back in a week to check one last time before bringing on my period and trying me at 150mg Clomid. So I put everything aside and focused on me. I had a lot of things going on! My sweet hubby and I flew to Geneva, where we spent the day visiting friends before driving to France so I could complete my second Half-Ironman. I had prepared for this moment for 6 months (and secretly prayed I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to actually complete it!) and finally the day had come. Honestly, I blasted my expectations out of the water and completed the race in 6:33:51 (my previous time had beed 7:14:12!). My swim, bike and run all were enjoyable and, although not easy, not too terribly difficult either. I never felt that dreaded feeling you can sometimes get in an endurance race of, "I can't go one more step - I can't finish!" I ended with a big smile and a sprint, and I was very proud of myself and my strong body (for the first time in a long time!)

I returned to the UK ready to face my second monitoring appointment. It went as usual - except I started crying in the scan room. But let's back up a bit to go through each part. It started like always with a blood draw and small talk with the nurses, then a wait for the internal ultrasound. The doctor checking me in the scan room was visibly pregnant and as we had never met, she introduced herself. Then she started by measuring my uterine lining (8mm, a decent number), and then moving onto my left ovary. I watched the screen as always and saw the string-of-pearl-cysts.

"Nothing but small cysts in the left ovary," the doctor called out to her assistant, who scrawled it down on her paper.

I looked up at the ceiling instead of craning to look at the screen as usual. I knew what was coming. I could feel the disappointment welling up in me and I was mentally preparing myself. 

"18 x 24mm, one big follicle, and it looks like it's about to release!" My head snapped to the screen at these words. I couldn't believe it. There it was, clear as day, one dominant follicle. The kind that most women get every month and don't even think about. I burst into tears. The nice assistant handed me a tissue and told me it was okay and not to cry - that the other doctors would thin they were torturing me. I explained through my tears that this would be my first chance to get pregnant in 13 months. As the doctor fished around with the dildo cam for the best view, and took a few more pictures, I felt the hope soar inside of me. This was amazing news! Clomid 100mg DID work for me! I don't have to move onto injectables yet!

After the scan finished they left me to get dressed, and when I exited the scan room, all the nurses and doctors standing there did a little cheer for me. "You've got to celebrate the little victories, right?" I said. They all nodded emphatically with me and patted me on the back. They told me the follicle was so mature that they weren't going to trigger me this time. I should get home, get busy, and come back in a week to check to be sure it had released. 

It was my first drive back from the clinic that wasn't seen through tear-clouded eyes. It was the first good news I had received since we started all this in August 2014. I got home and I couldn't hide my joy. After sharing the news with my husband, we celebrated together. Even if this round doesn't end in pregnancy, at least we know there are more rounds ahead of us, more rounds with a chance! No more 120+ day cycles and never ending waiting. 

I'm also very grateful I decided to join my husband on his business trip this weekend - otherwise we could have missed my window! I'll update a bit more as these next few weeks continue, but I still can't stop smiling. 

An Ovary Full of Cysts

Cycle Day 12, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, First monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).

---

Usually the beginning of a cycle makes me anxious an excited for *maybe* something good happening. The beginning of this cycle seemed to appear out of nowhere while I was in Prague visiting my cousin and then things just got more hectic from there. I barely noticed that my first monitoring appointment was quickly approaching until yesterday night. The nerves started again, but I just looked the other way and focused on all the other things I needed to do (and there is a lot I need to do!)

Then this morning arrived and I went into the fertility clinic like usual. Unlike the previous times, I had no butterflies in my stomach or strong hopes for something good. I was just trying to be realistic and protect myself. 

Good thing too.

After the blood draw, I went in for the dildo cam and as the doctor measured my lining (3cm) and then inspected one ovary, and then the other, I could see what was coming. I'm getting good at understanding the ultrasound screen. 

"Wow," she commented, "Look at all those cysts just sitting there and doing nothing!"

"I know," I replied, "Come on ovaries, you have ONE JOB!" I was trying to lighten the mood and pretend like this was all okay. But again, it's just crushing. 

With the internal ultrasound bit over, the doctor said I should come in again in a week, just in case I responded slower to the meds and something happened. I explained I'd be away for a race until Wednesday of the following week, and she said that was fine, because there was just no activity in my ovaries. Not even a hint of a slightly larger follicle. Just pearls of cysts taking up as much space as possible and being totally and completely useless. 

At first I felt just a bit numb and I was proud of myself for not tearing up. I knew this was a possibility, I had prepared myself for the fact that 100mg of Clomid may not work. I managed to hold it all together until I got to the car and got through the ticket gates and back onto the main road. I feel like every time I leave that hospital, I'm crying. 

So now I'll be focusing on my big race this Saturday. There's nothing I can do until next week at my next appointment, so I won't spend any time dwelling on it. Of course, I'll keep temping, checking my CM, and drinking grapefruit juice, but I've got other things to worry about. And this is why you have to keep living, keep making plans, keep on keeping on - because if cycle after cycle fails, you need a life boat to cling on to so you don't drown in the hopelessness and sadness of it all.

Clomid Round 2 at 100mg and Raging Side Effects

Cycle Day 11, Second Clomid Cycle (days 3-7) at 100mg

---

I feel like it's been far too long since I've done any updating, but then again there wasn't much to say. I had to wait for the last cycle to end (63 days!) with the help of Provera and then to take Clomid for this cycle. Since the last round did nothing but create more cysts, the doctors have upped my dosage. 

I noticed an immediate difference from the last Clomid round to this one. My temperature was much higher while taking it, and I had some of the often-talked about side effects - moodiness, headaches, hot flashes, and crazy dreams. I'm hoping this is a good sign, and that it means the meds will actually work this time (but I'm not holding my breath!)

The mood swings side effect was the one that surprised me most, and surprised my sweet husband as well! We had friends flying all the way in from Canada to visit us that day, and I had just gotten home from a trip to Prague. I was desperately trying to make a shopping list and plan meals so I could get to the store before they arrived. As I scoured Pinterest for a child-friendly, vegetarian-friendly meal, my hubby walked in. I asked if he though baked ziti was a good idea for the first dinner and he gave me a blank stare. "What's ziti?" he asked. And that's when the explosion of angry screaming from me started, mostly about how he was being so unhelpful and trying to frustrate me and why couldn't he just make something easier?!! Why couldn't he just tell me that was the perfect meal?!!

I realized after he backed out of the room that maybe I was being a bit unreasonable. Hormones can sure make you do crazy things! Needless to say after the eruption I went to find my husband and apologize for the pulsing anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I am so lucky I got a guy that understands me and knows that something like that is so out of character that we can just blame the drugs and move on.

The crazy dreams are also very surprising, as usually my dreams fade immediately after I wake up. This time, however, my first fantastical dream was so real I had to do some fact checking after I woke up just to make sure it wasn't true! Every night has been like that since I started the pills, and now that I've finished with them I hope they will stop soon. 

Tomorrow morning I have my first monitoring appointment for this Clomid cycle. I am trying not to think about it, or get anxious about it, because the last few visits have been so disappointing. My ovaries just don't do their job! On top of all that, I leave on Thursday for a half-ironman race in France. I signed up for this back in March, praying by now I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to complete it. Alas, here we are 6 months later and no closer to being pregnant, so I've got to at least attempt it. This all means that around my O date, I won't be near the clinic to get a trigger shot, and I'll have quite a lot of stress hormones coursing through my system. I'm half hoping my ovulation is delayed like many other PCOS-ers, and that it doesn't happen until I'm back from France but there is nothing I can count on. I'll just have to go in tomorrow, give some blood, deal with the dildo-cam, and take it from there. 

The only thing I have to cling on to is that if this cycle doesn't work, then I will be able to attend my best friend's wedding next May. I'm her maid of honor, so I REALLY want to go but she knows that if something good happens this month then I will only be attending via Skype. Her wedding date is 9 months from when I'm due to ovulate this cycle, so it's good/bad timing. That's the life of TTC, always counting ahead to the next cycle, the next possible due date, the next appointment...

Now only time will tell... if you're reading this, wish me luck tomorrow!

Second Clomid Cycle On Its Way

With my first disappointing cycle behind me and another 50+ day cycle continuing on, I finally had the chance to visit the fertility clinic. My time during my travel in America made the days pass, thankfully, quite quickly but this next cycle was always in the back of my mind. I was always anxious, always waiting for the days to tick on.

The visit to the clinic was very brief - no more than 5 minutes. They determined I still hadn't ovulated (and most likely wouldn't), and prescribed me Provera (to bring on a period) and then Clomid 100mg for days 3-7 in hopes of making me ovulate.

I'm now on day 2 out of 7 of Provera, and I've seen my temperature increase already. More than anything I am just anxious to get on with it and have a real chance. We're back to a different kind of waiting - waiting for the end of this cycle and the start of the next one without any happy TWW maybe-I'm-pregnant-maybe-I'm-not guessing and hoping in-between.

Part of me is optimistic that something will finally happen this time around. Most of me doesn't believe that anything will. Maybe that's just a bit of self-preservation. Every time I hope, I set myself up for failure. But if I already think it's not going to work (and by some miracle it does) then I will be surprised and ecstatic. 

Only time will tell - and of course I'll be updating here as it goes along. If you're reading this, will you say a prayer and cross your fingers and think positive thoughts my way? I need all the good vibes I can get.

First Clomid Cycle (non) Update

Well I have to say, I have almost been purposefully avoiding this blog. Mostly because thinking about it just made things worse. Like sobbing, wailing, crying worse. Usually writing is extremely cathartic for me - I write it down and it lets me release my feelings and helps me return to normal.

But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.

And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round. 

The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office. 

I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!

As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something. 

Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine! 

Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years. 

Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears. 

With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!

Second Monitoring Appointment (CD 19)

I woke up this morning with that nervous, excited anticipation that you get before a blind date or first day of school. The one where you can't wait to get where you're going, but also worried about what is going to come from getting there. It was my second monitoring appointment for this first Clomid cycle, and I was hoping (praying really), that my two, slightly larger follicles have grown and responded to the 50mg of Clomid. 

I got to the fertility clinic early, sending up a silent prayer for the clinic not being in the same area as the maternity ward, and so not being filled with pregnant, happy women. I wrote my name down on the sign-in sheet and waited no more than 5 minutes before I was called in by a kind, chatty nurse to get my blood drawn. Next was the dildo-cam, and at this point my stomach was doing flips and I just kept thinking to myself, over and over, "Please, please, please show that my follicles have grown! Please, please, please!" I waited a few minutes more on the awkward, spread-your-legs chair before the doctor and assistant came in to start the ultrasound. The dildo-cam was quickly inserted and started with my uterus. "Oh, very nice, thick lining!" the doctor exclaimed as she measured it and called out the numbers to her assistant. Well this was a good start! I thought to myself. Then she pivoted the dildo-cam to the side to check out the main feature, my ovaries. She pushed this way and that, trying (and maybe hoping too?) to find a dominant follicle. She found one slightly larger than the rest, but after measuring it she realized it had shrunk from my last visit a week ago. Switching to the other side, she searched in vain for something that might pass for a follicle. Zip, zero, nada. She didn't even bother to measure anything on the other side, it was so obvious how small the follicles were.  

I could see it on her face before she said anything. A kind smile, but also a tiny bit sad. She explained that it didn't look as if I had responded to 50mg of Clomid, and that we'd need to up the dosage for the next cycle. She asked me to come in again on Friday for one last check before they prescribed Provera again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as they left the room to let me get dressed again. I managed to make it out of the clinic before I started crying.

Rationally, I knew this might happen. It may take a few cycles to find the right dosage of Clomid, and because of the side-effects they always start with a low dose then work their way up. But my body had been showing signs of imminent ovulation - egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) a high, open cervix, and an increased sex-drive. Even with all these signs, from the scans we can see there is no chance I'll be ovulating any time soon. I'm so angry at my body, for letting me down again and for tricking me into thinking something good was coming. Since I'll be away traveling for 3 weeks, I know that I won't have a chance in July, so our next shot is in August. It may not seem far away, but it's another 2 months down the line. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm always waiting - and even when I do all this waiting, I don't even have a fighting chance. 

When I came home from my appointment and the drive/cry home, my lovely hubby was up waiting for me to see how it went. I just asked for a hug, knowing I couldn't trust myself to explain it yet. I left myself just stay there for a while, let myself be hugged and tried to calm myself down. Then I got a lot of hugs and cuddles and kisses as I explained the appointment and results. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband, someone who I am so happy to be with, even after five years of marriage. 

So now I haven't got much choice but to keep moving on and looking forward to my future plans. I've realized there isn't a chance I'll be pregnant by the end of August, so my training for my half-ironman is in full swing (and boy can my muscles feel it!). I've got plenty of things to keep me busy and to look forward to, so I just have to push away this dark cloud, hide it in a closet or cupboard, and keep pushing forward, one step at a time. Why dwell on something you can't change? Why worry about the future when, "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" (a quote from the graduation speech "Wear Sunscreen".).

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Try not to get caught up in this moment right now. Try to see the long game, try to enjoy what you can while you can. Wine, sushi, sleeping in late, travel, spontaneity, beer, margaritas, gin & tonic... and deep breath in, deep breath out. 

First Clomid Monitoring Appointment

This morning was my much anticipated visit to the fertility clinic to see if I've responded to the Clinic. The way it works here is I show up any time between 8-8:45, write my name on a paper, and then wait until I'm called. It's first come, first serve, so getting in early is the key to not waiting too long.

Well I managed to arrive at about 8:30 (not exactly early), but there was no one else on the list above me who was still waiting to be seen. Within a few minutes they called me back to have my blood drawn. I explained to the nurse that it was my first time having a monitored cycle, and that I wanted to know what to expect. She explained that I would get my blood drawn, have a quick scan, then they would tell me when I should come back. She was helpful, friendly, and knowledgable and that definitely put me at ease. I had blood drawn (I give so much blood, it's a wonder there's any left!), and then went back to the waiting room to be called in for my scan.

I had been warned there was a bit of a line for the scan room, so I wasn't surprised when they called me in nearly 20 minutes later. It was the usual, get half undressed, cover yourself with a blanket, and wait awkwardly in the stirrups deal. Still, I find this infinitely better than my gynecologist in Switzerland who had you undress in the same room, then walk over to the seat, hop on and spread 'em (without a blanket or anything!). Anyways, I digress.

The fun dildo-wand (or if you're being technical, internal ultrasound wand), quickly inserted and the scan began. First they checked my lining - the doctor said it was a bit on the thin side, but nothing to be worried about. Next they checked each ovary - once again I could see the characteristic "string of pearls" a.k.a. cysts, cluttering up my ovaries. There was one follicle slightly larger than the others, and the doctor measured it, calling out the numbers to her assistant. She moved onto my other ovary, again checking all of the smaller cysts before finding the slightly larger one. She repeated the measurement, pulled out the wand, then told me they'd like me back in on Friday to see if these follicles are developing, or are just slightly larger cysts that will stall like all the others. 

After slipping back on my clothes I made my way home from the clinic, a little apprehensive but feeling overall positive. They could have looked at my ovaries and not seen ANY larger follicles, so this was good news!

My positive outlook only lasted until early afternoon, when we missed a call from the office and were instructed to call back. They had run my blood analysis and my estrogen and FSH levels hadn't increased in any way that suggested imminent ovulation, so they wanted to push my next visit back until next Monday. I know it's only 3 days later, but I feel quite disappointed. Only having to wait until Friday wasn't too bad - but now I had to wait a whole week to see if I've responded to the medication. And my trip to America is coming up - I don't want this to take so long that I ovulate when I'm away from my darling husband! 

I suppose there is nothing I can do until next Monday except wait, and hope, and baby-dance just in case. So if you're reading this, cross your fingers that next Monday will have better news and this cycle will offer me my first real chance of pregnancy!

First Clomid Cycle (CD3)

Today marks a new day in my TTC journey. Let's do a little recap: My last cycle was only 51 days, which is less than half of the cycle before. Technically it was a short cycle, but still - 51 days is a long time to be doing nothing. The only reason this cycle was only 51 days was that Provera worked its magic and brought on a period that would have never arrived otherwise. I have never been so overjoyed for Aunt Flo to arrive, because of everything she brings with her. 

For those of you who are interested in Provera (and I was when I was taking it!) I was prescribed two tablets a day for 7 days. The nurse said I should get my period 7-10 days after the LAST pill was taken, but that some ladies had their periods come much earlier (like 2-3 days after). Anxiously, I waited and hoped for my period to arrive early (how often does that happen when you're TTC?). Spoiler alert: It didn't! At that point I was googling nearly everything, including "What if my period doesn't come after Provera?" and "Could I be pregnant even if I took Provera and didn't have sex?" (you get the idea, right?). Turns out all this baby making sometimes makes me a bit mental. Then, 10 days after my last pill I FINALLY started spotting, and the next day my period started in full force. *Insert nervous laugh*. I don't know why I was acting so crazy, I always knew my period would come!

And that, my friends, brings us to today. Completely relieved, that is how I feel. Relieved and excited and nervous to finally, for the first time, REALLY be trying with a real chance at getting pregnant. Because today is my Cycle Day 3 (CD3) = FIRST DAY OF CLOMID!

I know Clomid might cause all kinds of crazy symptoms (headache, hot flashes, emotional swings, general craziness, etc.), but if it gets me a baby, I'm happy to take all of them. I'll come back tomorrow and see if I have been one of the unlucky ones to get the side effects. Until then, I'm enjoying a relaxing weekend with my hubby in a beautiful city and eating raw fish and drinking alcohol. Because here's hoping next month I'll be pregnant and this is my last fun hurrah! You gotta be hopeful sometime, right?

Plan of Attack

Today was the moment I have waited for since my referral in January - I had my appointment at the fertility clinic and met my new doctor!

I had no idea to expect, but this doctor has met all of my expectations, and exceeded some. He wanted to know about me - everything about me including all my past experiences, birth control, medical problems, surgeries, etc. He wanted to know our time-scale (did we want to be pregnant now? or in the future?), and when I emphatically said, "NOW!" he was poised and ready for action. 

A quick internal ultrasound (I'm getting so used to these!), and weighing in on my medical history, he made a plan of attack.

Clearly, he said, my hormones are out of whack. Clearly, I'm not going to be ovulating on my own. I'm CD 16 and, from my scans, not likely to ovulate any time in the future. So, we are going to bring on a period with Provera, then start me on Clomid with a trigger shot and constant monitoring. He wants to be as involved as possible and be able to make changes as needed throughout my next cycle.

One little set back is that it appears I am not immune to rubella, despite just getting my booster shots just last year. So I've made an appointment with my GP to get this done next week, and then I have to wait 2 weeks before starting Provera. After that, it's Clomid days 3-7, then near daily monitoring from CD day 12 onwards. When they see a follicle ready, they'll trigger its release and BAM! It's baby making time!

If that round doesn't work, they'll up the dosage on Clomid until it DOES work. And if, for some reason, it still isn't working, we'll have another meeting to find a different plan. My doctor isn't the wait and see type of person. He's trying to help me pregnant ASAP. Yay! Someone in my corner!

This is the moment I am beyond grateful that my hubby's little swimmers are superstars without a single abnormality to speak of. My tubes are clear, my uterus and lining looks good, the endometriosis is gone for now, all of my ovarian cysts are of manageable size... it kind of feels like now or never. 

So with this plan of attack, I feel so much more calm. Something will actually be happening. Not in 3-4 months, but in a few weeks. We actually, really, have a chance this time. Less guess work, more possibility! I even took my planner out to look at "how pregnant I'd be" by this date or that. Then I quickly closed the planner before I got too far ahead of myself. I've done this before - tried to plan ahead, thinking it would happen swiftly and easily - and that left me more devastated than ever. 

This is a great plan, and I'm happy to moving forward in leaps and bounds instead of inches. But I shouldn't jump to the finish line yet, nothing is promised or guaranteed. Still, I can't help but smile. Something good might be happening soon, so I'll keep up the positive thinking and cross my fingers and toes. 

All the Options

Today, sitting around recovering from my laparoscopic surgery and being a completely useless lump, I stumbled from one website to another to try to pass the time. I've found my pain meds make me spacey, so I'm taking off a bit of time for work. Free time = too much thinking = too much internet searching = depressing. 

At first I was just looking to find success stories from other ladies who had both PCOS and endometriosis. Let me tell you, the results were not very promising. Then one click lead to another (you know how the internet is), and I was reading an article about what three women did when faced with infertility.

The first woman decided treatment wasn't for her, and she made peace with never being a mother. I know that this is something that will never be okay with me.

The second woman decided to say no to invasive treatments due to recurrent miscarriages, and miraculously ended up pregnant on her own. Hurray! Success for someone!

The third woman decided to opt for adoption, and fell pregnant two more times after. This helps reinforce that myth that if you want to be pregnant, just adopt!

These stories got me on to thinking how far down the rabbit hole I want to go with this whole infertility deal. Am I up for being poked and prodded and stuffed full of drugs? And then after all of that, it may not work? I guess for now, my answer is yes - I am willing to try everything: up to and including IVF. Becoming a mom has always been a dream of mine, right up there with finding the love of my life (check), becoming a teacher (check), and traveling the world (check). 

And then my mind went on to the "what if...?" How many years am I going to try drugs and treatments and invasive surgeries? How many years should you hold on to hope and keep trying? At what point do you decide, "This isn't going to happen"? After all, our chances get worse every year as egg quality declines - how much torture should we subject ourselves to?

I'm not going to lie, a small part of me is absolutely terrified by the "what ifs". I have to remember that maybe everything will be okay before I have to face most of these options. But then again, maybe it won't be okay. In life, nothing is guaranteed. 

Since I want more than anything to be a mom, is adoption ever going to be an answer for me? I know it is a wonderful thing to offer a child a home, but it isn't a cure-all bandaid for infertility. I can't just adopt a child and pretend like I never wanted to grow a baby in my tummy, to create a child that's half me and half my husband. How do people even make this decision, I asked myself. And would my husband ever want to adopt? Adopting a child is a decision two have to make, and it's a pretty big decision that also says, "We gave up."

And then, because I'm clearly trying to make my life as miserable as possible, I started looking up adoption protocol in Scotland. Approval times (long), home visits (many), matching (stressful), it could all take years and still might end in heartbreak. The chances of getting a baby are extremely slim, and at the risk of sounding selfish, I really want a baby. I don't want my first time as a mommy to start with a four-year-old who can already walk and talk. I always kept adoption in the back of my mind as an option, but now - I'm just not so sure. 

One of the things that has kept me sane for the last few months was knowing there were more options out there for me. So I'm going to pull back from the adoption option for a while and look at all the wonderful miraculous options that science has to offer those of us who struggle with infertility.

• Surgery - Depending on the need, some women undergo laparscopic surgery to fix known or suspected problems. A woman with PCOS may undergo ovarian drilling - when your cysts are popped and drained. Or if you are suspected to have adhesions, blocked tubes, or endometriosis, the doctors may go in to clear the way and dispose of any problems they find. Some women claim that after laparascopy and an HSG you are "superfertile" because everything is free and clear for the sperm to meet egg. This hasn't been proven in any medical journals of course, but I'll take positive news wherever I can get it.  
• Drugs - Usually the first step after tests confirm whatever fertility issue you have, because they are the least invasive. For PCOS, many women are prescribed metformin (Glucophage) which regulates the amount of glucose in your blood and seems to help shorten cycles. Then Clomid (clomiphene) is often prescribed to induce ovulation. Sometimes this requires monitoring through ultrasounds and blood tests to confirm ovulation. It seems the general consensus is to find the lowest dosage that results in ovulation, and only try for 6 cycles. Some women do not ovulate on Clomid, and so Femara (letrozole) can be tried. This seems to be the end of the road for the simple, oral fertility drugs. 
• Injections - There are a range of different injectable drugs (Gonal-F, GnRH, HcG, and many more), each stimulating something different. The doctors choose the right cocktail of drugs for your situation, but in general they affect your levels of LH and FSH to induce ovulation. Some doctors avoid injectables because of the higher chance of multiple births and their high cost. It seems success rates are similar to oral drugs, but injectables might be successful where oral medication was not.
• Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) - Commonly used for unexplained fertility or mild known infertility factors, and often in conjunction with either oral medication or injections, an IUI is the placement of washed and concentrated semen directly into the uterus. Timing is important, and the rates of pregnancy aren't spectacular, but it is an affordable option. 
• IVF - Often the last stop on the infertility train, IVF ranks quite high in cost, invasiveness, and success. Some clinics boast as high a success rate as 60% live births per cycle! This is a process involving drugs to stimulate egg production, then egg retrieval, then the actual injection of a sperm into an egg (or allowing sperm to penetrate egg in a petri dish), then the placement of the embryo (or embryos) back into the woman. I am lucky in that the NHS covers three rounds of IVF for a woman without any children in cases of infertility. 

Even though sometimes I feel like I will never be able to fall pregnant, I am so grateful that there is an entire list of options that I haven't tried yet. I'm just at the beginning of the road, and although some of the options seem big and scary, at least I have options. PCOS and endometriosis can be daunting, but at least I know what I'm dealing with and I can charge straight at it head on. I don't know what the future will bring, but today I'm feeling cautiously optimistic and I'm holding on tightly to that little ball of hope inside. 

It's two days until my meeting at the fertility clinic, and armed with my piles of research, only good things can come. It's a long dark road ahead of me, but I think I might just be able to see some light at the end of it.