Halfway There - A Stereotypical Pregnant Lady

First, I wanted to celebrate... I'm halfway through this pregnancy already! Part of me can't believe it, it has flown by so quickly. The other half of me is getting more and more excited every day. Although I want to keep my little Wriggles inside of me forever where s/he is safe and warm, I can't wait to meet my little bundle of joy and give him/her mountains of hugs and snuggles and kisses and love. 

This past week has been an interesting one for me, as I have been what I would think of as a stereotypical pregnant lady. First, on Monday, I saw a picture of 7-layer dip on a friend's Facebook account that I NEEDED TO HAVE RIGHT NOW. That's a craving, isn't it? So I ran off to the store after getting back from work to buy all the ingredients, make it for myself, and stuff myself full of it. The next night, it was pancake night and I NEEDED pancakes (really, they're crepes here, but who cares?) The food  needs are getting real!

Then there's the emotions! On Monday afternoon we had our 20 week anomaly ultrasound, and even though we got to the hospital 20 minutes early, we couldn't manage to find parking. We were waiting in long lines to get into a lot, when finally my hubby dropped me at the maternity ward entrance so I wouldn't be late. When I got there, they made me start the scan right away without my husband there. I tried to enjoy it, but when he text me 10 minutes later to say he was STILL waiting in line, I panicked and started crying. Okay, okay, I was sobbing. Big, heavy sobs that made my abdomen shake and I'm sure the technician's job much more complicated. I didn't want him to miss it! They continued the scan I tried my best to listen and stifle my tears. Emotions were running rampant! He got there just after the scan finished, and they did another quick 5 minute one for us to see the baby together. Wriggles was much more squished inside me and curled up with his/her little toes in front of him/her. There was more crying on Tuesday (I wanted those pancakes but I was too tired to make them!), and I just felt like I couldn't stop the crying. Being out of control like that was a completely new feeling for me! I just have to remind myself - it's the hormones. 

There was a bit more crying on Wednesday, as I was too exhausted to put on my exercise clothes. Yes, you read that right. Turns out I am putting too much pressure on myself and really just needed a night off. Lesson learned (I hope!).

Crying, craving, exhaustion, it's all there and even if it makes my life a little more stressful at the moment it's still worth every second. Wriggles is now turning around, kicking and punching me more often and I love the feeling. I look forward to seeing what next week brings!

 

11 Week Scan

I waited all day in anticipation, and watched the minutes tick painfully by until it was finally time to leave. My husband picked me up from work early, and we ate a quick lunch before we drove to the hospital. We parked in our usual lot, and walked the familiar path to the Reproductive Unit of Edinburgh Royal Hospital. After entering the automatic double doors, for the first time I didn't have to turn left to go into the infertility clinic. This time, I turned right, into the area with all the expectant mothers, into the area of hope and happiness and joy. I have to admit, there were times when I never thought I'd get here.

Today was the day that most newly pregnant women wait for - the first REAL ultrasound! Of course, I cheated and payed for one early at 8 weeks, but that little ball of cells with a beating heart was oceans away from what I saw today. 

A real, wriggling, spinning, kicking, waving baby!

Ultrasound at 8 weeks - look at that tiny blob!

Ultrasound at 11 weeks - head, arms, legs, fingers and toes! 65cm and all measurements good!

As I sat there in the scan room, my stomach covered with cold ultrasound gel and my full bladder being pushed upon my an ultrasound wand, I couldn't stop giggling. That was our little baby! And that tiny baby was moving every which way! The technicians couldn't manage to get a good picture for ages because every time they thought they caught it, the baby would move again. S/he spun in circles, somersaulting around, covering his/her face with those little hands. It is amazing that at this point the baby is only the size of a lime and I'm not even showing yet - but there is so much life and movement there! I reached out to grab Paul's hand; this was our little person that we would be taking care of in 6ish short months. It felt some incredible I couldn't believe it was actually happening to me. 

Since my last update here I have felt, well, completely and utterly exhausted. Sometimes I feel like I need a nap at 10am. My nausea is (finally!) letting up a bit (sometimes) and I dry heave and gag less often now. Still there are many things that set me off (like the inside of my fridge!) and I'm still crying at everything and getting angry at the smallest things, but otherwise I'm A-OK. I've got the one thing that means the most to me, and I'm protecting it inside of me. More than anything, I can't wait to share the good news with my friends and family back home - only 5 days until I arrive and it couldn't come any sooner!

Well look at that, it's bed time again. I feel like all I do is sleep, work, sleep, work. But this precious part of my life when I carry my first child won't last forever so I am going to enjoy and be grateful for every day that I have. 

9 Week Update

So much has happened since my last post, and I can't believe I am already up to 9 weeks! I don't want it to all pass in a blur, so with a few free moments today I wanted to add some memories.

First, at 8 weeks we paid to have what's called here a "reassurance scan". They do an early ultrasound for you, so you can relax a bit at the beginning of your first trimester. I nearly cried when I saw that little heartbeat. It was my baby! A real baby! 

Since that appointment I've begun to dream about my life in June, when Baby Shippy is due to arrive. I'll get to be a mommy to a precious little soul, and there is nothing I want more!

Getting to that moment, however, is seeming to take an eternity. I am so so grateful to be pregnant, and everyday I think that I am the luckiest person in the world. And then I get nauseous and weepy and exhausted all at the same moment - and I still feel incredibly lucky. 

But just to remember these past few weeks, I wanted to write down more of my feelings/thoughts. I am trying to cherish every moment, even the difficult ones!

So last week the only thing I could think about was my scan. I was counting down every moment to get there and I was desperate to see Baby Shippy. They told me to have a full bladder so it was easier to use the ultrasound, so I drank and drank and drank. My husband came and picked me up at work so we would be there on time, and I waddled to the office. They let me in early because I looked so uncomfortable. The woman who started the ultrasound said my bladder was TOO full, and she let me run off to the loo to empty about half of it. After I returned, much relieved, she squirted the cold gel on me, wriggled around the wand, and there s/he was! Our little bean! With a strong heartbeat and a bit of movement, the US technician told us everything was looking good. I was measuring at 8 weeks, 1 day (I thought I was 7 weeks, 6 days, but we're not going to quibble over such a small difference). I could have stayed in that room and stared at my baby forever. It was concrete then, something finally real that I wasn't just making up. We paid up, got the pictures printed, then headed home. I ate an apple in the car to stave off the ever present queasiness, but it didn't work. The last 10 minutes of the car ride was a constant battle of trying to hold it all in until I got home. I made it, just barely, and the apple came right back up. Yuck, apples do not play nicely on their way out! I ended up with a very sore throat and then a cold that made me feel miserable on the Thursday and Friday after. The problem with being a teacher is there is no time for sick days, so you just carry on!

Last weekend was quite relaxing for us, and then I pushed through another week. The nausea comes and goes, but the worst part for me is food aversions. I don't seem to want to eat anything really (most especially healthy veggies!). I need cold food that doesn't smell, and popsicles are my friend. This isn't very useful at the moment being winter and all, but I'm coping. I also find if I don't pay attention to eating then it goes better, like I'm tricking my body into thinking I'm not REALLY eating so it's okay to ignore it. 

More than anything I want to get into the second trimester so my fear of something happening to my baby goes away. Although perhaps I should just get used to this fear, because as a parent you are always worried about your child - right? 

Second Monitoring Appointment (CD 19)

I woke up this morning with that nervous, excited anticipation that you get before a blind date or first day of school. The one where you can't wait to get where you're going, but also worried about what is going to come from getting there. It was my second monitoring appointment for this first Clomid cycle, and I was hoping (praying really), that my two, slightly larger follicles have grown and responded to the 50mg of Clomid. 

I got to the fertility clinic early, sending up a silent prayer for the clinic not being in the same area as the maternity ward, and so not being filled with pregnant, happy women. I wrote my name down on the sign-in sheet and waited no more than 5 minutes before I was called in by a kind, chatty nurse to get my blood drawn. Next was the dildo-cam, and at this point my stomach was doing flips and I just kept thinking to myself, over and over, "Please, please, please show that my follicles have grown! Please, please, please!" I waited a few minutes more on the awkward, spread-your-legs chair before the doctor and assistant came in to start the ultrasound. The dildo-cam was quickly inserted and started with my uterus. "Oh, very nice, thick lining!" the doctor exclaimed as she measured it and called out the numbers to her assistant. Well this was a good start! I thought to myself. Then she pivoted the dildo-cam to the side to check out the main feature, my ovaries. She pushed this way and that, trying (and maybe hoping too?) to find a dominant follicle. She found one slightly larger than the rest, but after measuring it she realized it had shrunk from my last visit a week ago. Switching to the other side, she searched in vain for something that might pass for a follicle. Zip, zero, nada. She didn't even bother to measure anything on the other side, it was so obvious how small the follicles were.  

I could see it on her face before she said anything. A kind smile, but also a tiny bit sad. She explained that it didn't look as if I had responded to 50mg of Clomid, and that we'd need to up the dosage for the next cycle. She asked me to come in again on Friday for one last check before they prescribed Provera again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as they left the room to let me get dressed again. I managed to make it out of the clinic before I started crying.

Rationally, I knew this might happen. It may take a few cycles to find the right dosage of Clomid, and because of the side-effects they always start with a low dose then work their way up. But my body had been showing signs of imminent ovulation - egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) a high, open cervix, and an increased sex-drive. Even with all these signs, from the scans we can see there is no chance I'll be ovulating any time soon. I'm so angry at my body, for letting me down again and for tricking me into thinking something good was coming. Since I'll be away traveling for 3 weeks, I know that I won't have a chance in July, so our next shot is in August. It may not seem far away, but it's another 2 months down the line. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm always waiting - and even when I do all this waiting, I don't even have a fighting chance. 

When I came home from my appointment and the drive/cry home, my lovely hubby was up waiting for me to see how it went. I just asked for a hug, knowing I couldn't trust myself to explain it yet. I left myself just stay there for a while, let myself be hugged and tried to calm myself down. Then I got a lot of hugs and cuddles and kisses as I explained the appointment and results. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband, someone who I am so happy to be with, even after five years of marriage. 

So now I haven't got much choice but to keep moving on and looking forward to my future plans. I've realized there isn't a chance I'll be pregnant by the end of August, so my training for my half-ironman is in full swing (and boy can my muscles feel it!). I've got plenty of things to keep me busy and to look forward to, so I just have to push away this dark cloud, hide it in a closet or cupboard, and keep pushing forward, one step at a time. Why dwell on something you can't change? Why worry about the future when, "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" (a quote from the graduation speech "Wear Sunscreen".).

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Try not to get caught up in this moment right now. Try to see the long game, try to enjoy what you can while you can. Wine, sushi, sleeping in late, travel, spontaneity, beer, margaritas, gin & tonic... and deep breath in, deep breath out. 

First Clomid Monitoring Appointment

This morning was my much anticipated visit to the fertility clinic to see if I've responded to the Clinic. The way it works here is I show up any time between 8-8:45, write my name on a paper, and then wait until I'm called. It's first come, first serve, so getting in early is the key to not waiting too long.

Well I managed to arrive at about 8:30 (not exactly early), but there was no one else on the list above me who was still waiting to be seen. Within a few minutes they called me back to have my blood drawn. I explained to the nurse that it was my first time having a monitored cycle, and that I wanted to know what to expect. She explained that I would get my blood drawn, have a quick scan, then they would tell me when I should come back. She was helpful, friendly, and knowledgable and that definitely put me at ease. I had blood drawn (I give so much blood, it's a wonder there's any left!), and then went back to the waiting room to be called in for my scan.

I had been warned there was a bit of a line for the scan room, so I wasn't surprised when they called me in nearly 20 minutes later. It was the usual, get half undressed, cover yourself with a blanket, and wait awkwardly in the stirrups deal. Still, I find this infinitely better than my gynecologist in Switzerland who had you undress in the same room, then walk over to the seat, hop on and spread 'em (without a blanket or anything!). Anyways, I digress.

The fun dildo-wand (or if you're being technical, internal ultrasound wand), quickly inserted and the scan began. First they checked my lining - the doctor said it was a bit on the thin side, but nothing to be worried about. Next they checked each ovary - once again I could see the characteristic "string of pearls" a.k.a. cysts, cluttering up my ovaries. There was one follicle slightly larger than the others, and the doctor measured it, calling out the numbers to her assistant. She moved onto my other ovary, again checking all of the smaller cysts before finding the slightly larger one. She repeated the measurement, pulled out the wand, then told me they'd like me back in on Friday to see if these follicles are developing, or are just slightly larger cysts that will stall like all the others. 

After slipping back on my clothes I made my way home from the clinic, a little apprehensive but feeling overall positive. They could have looked at my ovaries and not seen ANY larger follicles, so this was good news!

My positive outlook only lasted until early afternoon, when we missed a call from the office and were instructed to call back. They had run my blood analysis and my estrogen and FSH levels hadn't increased in any way that suggested imminent ovulation, so they wanted to push my next visit back until next Monday. I know it's only 3 days later, but I feel quite disappointed. Only having to wait until Friday wasn't too bad - but now I had to wait a whole week to see if I've responded to the medication. And my trip to America is coming up - I don't want this to take so long that I ovulate when I'm away from my darling husband! 

I suppose there is nothing I can do until next Monday except wait, and hope, and baby-dance just in case. So if you're reading this, cross your fingers that next Monday will have better news and this cycle will offer me my first real chance of pregnancy!