Cycle Day 12, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, First monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).
Usually the beginning of a cycle makes me anxious an excited for *maybe* something good happening. The beginning of this cycle seemed to appear out of nowhere while I was in Prague visiting my cousin and then things just got more hectic from there. I barely noticed that my first monitoring appointment was quickly approaching until yesterday night. The nerves started again, but I just looked the other way and focused on all the other things I needed to do (and there is a lot I need to do!)
Then this morning arrived and I went into the fertility clinic like usual. Unlike the previous times, I had no butterflies in my stomach or strong hopes for something good. I was just trying to be realistic and protect myself.
Good thing too.
After the blood draw, I went in for the dildo cam and as the doctor measured my lining (3cm) and then inspected one ovary, and then the other, I could see what was coming. I'm getting good at understanding the ultrasound screen.
"Wow," she commented, "Look at all those cysts just sitting there and doing nothing!"
"I know," I replied, "Come on ovaries, you have ONE JOB!" I was trying to lighten the mood and pretend like this was all okay. But again, it's just crushing.
With the internal ultrasound bit over, the doctor said I should come in again in a week, just in case I responded slower to the meds and something happened. I explained I'd be away for a race until Wednesday of the following week, and she said that was fine, because there was just no activity in my ovaries. Not even a hint of a slightly larger follicle. Just pearls of cysts taking up as much space as possible and being totally and completely useless.
At first I felt just a bit numb and I was proud of myself for not tearing up. I knew this was a possibility, I had prepared myself for the fact that 100mg of Clomid may not work. I managed to hold it all together until I got to the car and got through the ticket gates and back onto the main road. I feel like every time I leave that hospital, I'm crying.
So now I'll be focusing on my big race this Saturday. There's nothing I can do until next week at my next appointment, so I won't spend any time dwelling on it. Of course, I'll keep temping, checking my CM, and drinking grapefruit juice, but I've got other things to worry about. And this is why you have to keep living, keep making plans, keep on keeping on - because if cycle after cycle fails, you need a life boat to cling on to so you don't drown in the hopelessness and sadness of it all.
Showing posts with label monitored cycle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monitored cycle. Show all posts
Monday, August 24, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
First Clomid Cycle (non) Update
Well I have to say, I have almost been purposefully avoiding this blog. Mostly because thinking about it just made things worse. Like sobbing, wailing, crying worse. Usually writing is extremely cathartic for me - I write it down and it lets me release my feelings and helps me return to normal.
But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.
And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round.
The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office.
I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!
As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something.
Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine!
Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years.
Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears.
With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!
But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.
And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round.
The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office.
I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!
As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something.
Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine!
Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years.
Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears.
With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!
Monday, June 22, 2015
First Clomid Monitoring Appointment
This morning was my much anticipated visit to the fertility clinic to see if I've responded to the Clinic. The way it works here is I show up any time between 8-8:45, write my name on a paper, and then wait until I'm called. It's first come, first serve, so getting in early is the key to not waiting too long.
Well I managed to arrive at about 8:30 (not exactly early), but there was no one else on the list above me who was still waiting to be seen. Within a few minutes they called me back to have my blood drawn. I explained to the nurse that it was my first time having a monitored cycle, and that I wanted to know what to expect. She explained that I would get my blood drawn, have a quick scan, then they would tell me when I should come back. She was helpful, friendly, and knowledgable and that definitely put me at ease. I had blood drawn (I give so much blood, it's a wonder there's any left!), and then went back to the waiting room to be called in for my scan.
I had been warned there was a bit of a line for the scan room, so I wasn't surprised when they called me in nearly 20 minutes later. It was the usual, get half undressed, cover yourself with a blanket, and wait awkwardly in the stirrups deal. Still, I find this infinitely better than my gynecologist in Switzerland who had you undress in the same room, then walk over to the seat, hop on and spread 'em (without a blanket or anything!). Anyways, I digress.
The fun dildo-wand (or if you're being technical, internal ultrasound wand), quickly inserted and the scan began. First they checked my lining - the doctor said it was a bit on the thin side, but nothing to be worried about. Next they checked each ovary - once again I could see the characteristic "string of pearls" a.k.a. cysts, cluttering up my ovaries. There was one follicle slightly larger than the others, and the doctor measured it, calling out the numbers to her assistant. She moved onto my other ovary, again checking all of the smaller cysts before finding the slightly larger one. She repeated the measurement, pulled out the wand, then told me they'd like me back in on Friday to see if these follicles are developing, or are just slightly larger cysts that will stall like all the others.
After slipping back on my clothes I made my way home from the clinic, a little apprehensive but feeling overall positive. They could have looked at my ovaries and not seen ANY larger follicles, so this was good news!
My positive outlook only lasted until early afternoon, when we missed a call from the office and were instructed to call back. They had run my blood analysis and my estrogen and FSH levels hadn't increased in any way that suggested imminent ovulation, so they wanted to push my next visit back until next Monday. I know it's only 3 days later, but I feel quite disappointed. Only having to wait until Friday wasn't too bad - but now I had to wait a whole week to see if I've responded to the medication. And my trip to America is coming up - I don't want this to take so long that I ovulate when I'm away from my darling husband!
I suppose there is nothing I can do until next Monday except wait, and hope, and baby-dance just in case. So if you're reading this, cross your fingers that next Monday will have better news and this cycle will offer me my first real chance of pregnancy!
Well I managed to arrive at about 8:30 (not exactly early), but there was no one else on the list above me who was still waiting to be seen. Within a few minutes they called me back to have my blood drawn. I explained to the nurse that it was my first time having a monitored cycle, and that I wanted to know what to expect. She explained that I would get my blood drawn, have a quick scan, then they would tell me when I should come back. She was helpful, friendly, and knowledgable and that definitely put me at ease. I had blood drawn (I give so much blood, it's a wonder there's any left!), and then went back to the waiting room to be called in for my scan.
I had been warned there was a bit of a line for the scan room, so I wasn't surprised when they called me in nearly 20 minutes later. It was the usual, get half undressed, cover yourself with a blanket, and wait awkwardly in the stirrups deal. Still, I find this infinitely better than my gynecologist in Switzerland who had you undress in the same room, then walk over to the seat, hop on and spread 'em (without a blanket or anything!). Anyways, I digress.
The fun dildo-wand (or if you're being technical, internal ultrasound wand), quickly inserted and the scan began. First they checked my lining - the doctor said it was a bit on the thin side, but nothing to be worried about. Next they checked each ovary - once again I could see the characteristic "string of pearls" a.k.a. cysts, cluttering up my ovaries. There was one follicle slightly larger than the others, and the doctor measured it, calling out the numbers to her assistant. She moved onto my other ovary, again checking all of the smaller cysts before finding the slightly larger one. She repeated the measurement, pulled out the wand, then told me they'd like me back in on Friday to see if these follicles are developing, or are just slightly larger cysts that will stall like all the others.
After slipping back on my clothes I made my way home from the clinic, a little apprehensive but feeling overall positive. They could have looked at my ovaries and not seen ANY larger follicles, so this was good news!
My positive outlook only lasted until early afternoon, when we missed a call from the office and were instructed to call back. They had run my blood analysis and my estrogen and FSH levels hadn't increased in any way that suggested imminent ovulation, so they wanted to push my next visit back until next Monday. I know it's only 3 days later, but I feel quite disappointed. Only having to wait until Friday wasn't too bad - but now I had to wait a whole week to see if I've responded to the medication. And my trip to America is coming up - I don't want this to take so long that I ovulate when I'm away from my darling husband!
I suppose there is nothing I can do until next Monday except wait, and hope, and baby-dance just in case. So if you're reading this, cross your fingers that next Monday will have better news and this cycle will offer me my first real chance of pregnancy!
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
There's Never a Good Moment
As I wait anxiously to be able to start Provera to bring on a period and then actually start my first medicated cycle with Clomid, so much has been happening in life. The most exciting event is that I am visiting Switzerland in a few days to see all my old friends, colleagues and students. Just planning for that is mind-boggling, trying to piece each friend into this slot or that. Since I'm not pregnant, I figure I might as well enjoy the all-you-can-drink wine event happening that weekend. There have to be some advantages of not being knocked up, right?
The school I work for (online) is expanding, and I have been offered several travel opportunities in the near future. I might be able to visit North Carolina for a few weeks to help with an opening of a new branch of our school. Then maybe, some time in the future, I could travel to China for a teacher exchange! Both of these options sound amazing (I love to travel!), but a part of me feels like I shouldn't even consider it. These next few months are already so packed - Switzerland; an anniversary getaway; Amsterdam for a long weekend; two weeks in America; August back-to-back full of visitors - how can I even think about adding more on my plate along with the baby-making plans?
But as a lovely friend of mine pointed out, there is never a good moment to start a family. For me, having a baby is #1 on my list. I want it more than I could even begin to describe. Unfortunately, trying to conceive with PCOS and endometriosis is so uncertain that it could take years - or it could happen tomorrow - or it may never happen. As I explored in a previous post, if you don't keep living your life and planning for the future, this process of trying to become pregnant can destroy you. Alternately, I don't want to miss any chances of falling pregnant just because I was so busy living. Sigh. Is there any right answer?
Unfortunately, I can't just "try" every few weeks in a relaxed and natural way. I need pills to start a period, pills to cause follicle maturation, constant monitoring and blood draws, and injections to force ovulation, then more monitoring and blood draws. With that in mind, trying to get pregnant can easily be equated to staying at home and doing nothing except attending doctor's appointments. It can be hard to continue enjoying life when that might be all your future holds for you.
Or maybe I'm over thinking it and my first Clomid cycle will be successful and BAM, it'll be baby time.
The uncertainty is killing me. I'm a planner and I can't plan ANYTHING. But I suppose, as long as I remember that it will never be a good time, I can just do the best I can as things come my way.
What do the next few weeks hold for me? Only time will tell!
The school I work for (online) is expanding, and I have been offered several travel opportunities in the near future. I might be able to visit North Carolina for a few weeks to help with an opening of a new branch of our school. Then maybe, some time in the future, I could travel to China for a teacher exchange! Both of these options sound amazing (I love to travel!), but a part of me feels like I shouldn't even consider it. These next few months are already so packed - Switzerland; an anniversary getaway; Amsterdam for a long weekend; two weeks in America; August back-to-back full of visitors - how can I even think about adding more on my plate along with the baby-making plans?
But as a lovely friend of mine pointed out, there is never a good moment to start a family. For me, having a baby is #1 on my list. I want it more than I could even begin to describe. Unfortunately, trying to conceive with PCOS and endometriosis is so uncertain that it could take years - or it could happen tomorrow - or it may never happen. As I explored in a previous post, if you don't keep living your life and planning for the future, this process of trying to become pregnant can destroy you. Alternately, I don't want to miss any chances of falling pregnant just because I was so busy living. Sigh. Is there any right answer?
Unfortunately, I can't just "try" every few weeks in a relaxed and natural way. I need pills to start a period, pills to cause follicle maturation, constant monitoring and blood draws, and injections to force ovulation, then more monitoring and blood draws. With that in mind, trying to get pregnant can easily be equated to staying at home and doing nothing except attending doctor's appointments. It can be hard to continue enjoying life when that might be all your future holds for you.
Or maybe I'm over thinking it and my first Clomid cycle will be successful and BAM, it'll be baby time.
The uncertainty is killing me. I'm a planner and I can't plan ANYTHING. But I suppose, as long as I remember that it will never be a good time, I can just do the best I can as things come my way.
What do the next few weeks hold for me? Only time will tell!
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Plan of Attack
Today was the moment I have waited for since my referral in January - I had my appointment at the fertility clinic and met my new doctor!
I had no idea to expect, but this doctor has met all of my expectations, and exceeded some. He wanted to know about me - everything about me including all my past experiences, birth control, medical problems, surgeries, etc. He wanted to know our time-scale (did we want to be pregnant now? or in the future?), and when I emphatically said, "NOW!" he was poised and ready for action.
A quick internal ultrasound (I'm getting so used to these!), and weighing in on my medical history, he made a plan of attack.
Clearly, he said, my hormones are out of whack. Clearly, I'm not going to be ovulating on my own. I'm CD 16 and, from my scans, not likely to ovulate any time in the future. So, we are going to bring on a period with Provera, then start me on Clomid with a trigger shot and constant monitoring. He wants to be as involved as possible and be able to make changes as needed throughout my next cycle.
One little set back is that it appears I am not immune to rubella, despite just getting my booster shots just last year. So I've made an appointment with my GP to get this done next week, and then I have to wait 2 weeks before starting Provera. After that, it's Clomid days 3-7, then near daily monitoring from CD day 12 onwards. When they see a follicle ready, they'll trigger its release and BAM! It's baby making time!
If that round doesn't work, they'll up the dosage on Clomid until it DOES work. And if, for some reason, it still isn't working, we'll have another meeting to find a different plan. My doctor isn't the wait and see type of person. He's trying to help me pregnant ASAP. Yay! Someone in my corner!
This is the moment I am beyond grateful that my hubby's little swimmers are superstars without a single abnormality to speak of. My tubes are clear, my uterus and lining looks good, the endometriosis is gone for now, all of my ovarian cysts are of manageable size... it kind of feels like now or never.
So with this plan of attack, I feel so much more calm. Something will actually be happening. Not in 3-4 months, but in a few weeks. We actually, really, have a chance this time. Less guess work, more possibility! I even took my planner out to look at "how pregnant I'd be" by this date or that. Then I quickly closed the planner before I got too far ahead of myself. I've done this before - tried to plan ahead, thinking it would happen swiftly and easily - and that left me more devastated than ever.
This is a great plan, and I'm happy to moving forward in leaps and bounds instead of inches. But I shouldn't jump to the finish line yet, nothing is promised or guaranteed. Still, I can't help but smile. Something good might be happening soon, so I'll keep up the positive thinking and cross my fingers and toes.
I had no idea to expect, but this doctor has met all of my expectations, and exceeded some. He wanted to know about me - everything about me including all my past experiences, birth control, medical problems, surgeries, etc. He wanted to know our time-scale (did we want to be pregnant now? or in the future?), and when I emphatically said, "NOW!" he was poised and ready for action.
A quick internal ultrasound (I'm getting so used to these!), and weighing in on my medical history, he made a plan of attack.
Clearly, he said, my hormones are out of whack. Clearly, I'm not going to be ovulating on my own. I'm CD 16 and, from my scans, not likely to ovulate any time in the future. So, we are going to bring on a period with Provera, then start me on Clomid with a trigger shot and constant monitoring. He wants to be as involved as possible and be able to make changes as needed throughout my next cycle.
One little set back is that it appears I am not immune to rubella, despite just getting my booster shots just last year. So I've made an appointment with my GP to get this done next week, and then I have to wait 2 weeks before starting Provera. After that, it's Clomid days 3-7, then near daily monitoring from CD day 12 onwards. When they see a follicle ready, they'll trigger its release and BAM! It's baby making time!
If that round doesn't work, they'll up the dosage on Clomid until it DOES work. And if, for some reason, it still isn't working, we'll have another meeting to find a different plan. My doctor isn't the wait and see type of person. He's trying to help me pregnant ASAP. Yay! Someone in my corner!
This is the moment I am beyond grateful that my hubby's little swimmers are superstars without a single abnormality to speak of. My tubes are clear, my uterus and lining looks good, the endometriosis is gone for now, all of my ovarian cysts are of manageable size... it kind of feels like now or never.
So with this plan of attack, I feel so much more calm. Something will actually be happening. Not in 3-4 months, but in a few weeks. We actually, really, have a chance this time. Less guess work, more possibility! I even took my planner out to look at "how pregnant I'd be" by this date or that. Then I quickly closed the planner before I got too far ahead of myself. I've done this before - tried to plan ahead, thinking it would happen swiftly and easily - and that left me more devastated than ever.
This is a great plan, and I'm happy to moving forward in leaps and bounds instead of inches. But I shouldn't jump to the finish line yet, nothing is promised or guaranteed. Still, I can't help but smile. Something good might be happening soon, so I'll keep up the positive thinking and cross my fingers and toes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)