First Clomid Cycle (non) Update

Well I have to say, I have almost been purposefully avoiding this blog. Mostly because thinking about it just made things worse. Like sobbing, wailing, crying worse. Usually writing is extremely cathartic for me - I write it down and it lets me release my feelings and helps me return to normal.

But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.

And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round. 

The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office. 

I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!

As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something. 

Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine! 

Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years. 

Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears. 

With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!

Second Monitoring Appointment (CD 19)

I woke up this morning with that nervous, excited anticipation that you get before a blind date or first day of school. The one where you can't wait to get where you're going, but also worried about what is going to come from getting there. It was my second monitoring appointment for this first Clomid cycle, and I was hoping (praying really), that my two, slightly larger follicles have grown and responded to the 50mg of Clomid. 

I got to the fertility clinic early, sending up a silent prayer for the clinic not being in the same area as the maternity ward, and so not being filled with pregnant, happy women. I wrote my name down on the sign-in sheet and waited no more than 5 minutes before I was called in by a kind, chatty nurse to get my blood drawn. Next was the dildo-cam, and at this point my stomach was doing flips and I just kept thinking to myself, over and over, "Please, please, please show that my follicles have grown! Please, please, please!" I waited a few minutes more on the awkward, spread-your-legs chair before the doctor and assistant came in to start the ultrasound. The dildo-cam was quickly inserted and started with my uterus. "Oh, very nice, thick lining!" the doctor exclaimed as she measured it and called out the numbers to her assistant. Well this was a good start! I thought to myself. Then she pivoted the dildo-cam to the side to check out the main feature, my ovaries. She pushed this way and that, trying (and maybe hoping too?) to find a dominant follicle. She found one slightly larger than the rest, but after measuring it she realized it had shrunk from my last visit a week ago. Switching to the other side, she searched in vain for something that might pass for a follicle. Zip, zero, nada. She didn't even bother to measure anything on the other side, it was so obvious how small the follicles were.  

I could see it on her face before she said anything. A kind smile, but also a tiny bit sad. She explained that it didn't look as if I had responded to 50mg of Clomid, and that we'd need to up the dosage for the next cycle. She asked me to come in again on Friday for one last check before they prescribed Provera again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as they left the room to let me get dressed again. I managed to make it out of the clinic before I started crying.

Rationally, I knew this might happen. It may take a few cycles to find the right dosage of Clomid, and because of the side-effects they always start with a low dose then work their way up. But my body had been showing signs of imminent ovulation - egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) a high, open cervix, and an increased sex-drive. Even with all these signs, from the scans we can see there is no chance I'll be ovulating any time soon. I'm so angry at my body, for letting me down again and for tricking me into thinking something good was coming. Since I'll be away traveling for 3 weeks, I know that I won't have a chance in July, so our next shot is in August. It may not seem far away, but it's another 2 months down the line. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm always waiting - and even when I do all this waiting, I don't even have a fighting chance. 

When I came home from my appointment and the drive/cry home, my lovely hubby was up waiting for me to see how it went. I just asked for a hug, knowing I couldn't trust myself to explain it yet. I left myself just stay there for a while, let myself be hugged and tried to calm myself down. Then I got a lot of hugs and cuddles and kisses as I explained the appointment and results. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband, someone who I am so happy to be with, even after five years of marriage. 

So now I haven't got much choice but to keep moving on and looking forward to my future plans. I've realized there isn't a chance I'll be pregnant by the end of August, so my training for my half-ironman is in full swing (and boy can my muscles feel it!). I've got plenty of things to keep me busy and to look forward to, so I just have to push away this dark cloud, hide it in a closet or cupboard, and keep pushing forward, one step at a time. Why dwell on something you can't change? Why worry about the future when, "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" (a quote from the graduation speech "Wear Sunscreen".).

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Try not to get caught up in this moment right now. Try to see the long game, try to enjoy what you can while you can. Wine, sushi, sleeping in late, travel, spontaneity, beer, margaritas, gin & tonic... and deep breath in, deep breath out. 

First Clomid Monitoring Appointment

This morning was my much anticipated visit to the fertility clinic to see if I've responded to the Clinic. The way it works here is I show up any time between 8-8:45, write my name on a paper, and then wait until I'm called. It's first come, first serve, so getting in early is the key to not waiting too long.

Well I managed to arrive at about 8:30 (not exactly early), but there was no one else on the list above me who was still waiting to be seen. Within a few minutes they called me back to have my blood drawn. I explained to the nurse that it was my first time having a monitored cycle, and that I wanted to know what to expect. She explained that I would get my blood drawn, have a quick scan, then they would tell me when I should come back. She was helpful, friendly, and knowledgable and that definitely put me at ease. I had blood drawn (I give so much blood, it's a wonder there's any left!), and then went back to the waiting room to be called in for my scan.

I had been warned there was a bit of a line for the scan room, so I wasn't surprised when they called me in nearly 20 minutes later. It was the usual, get half undressed, cover yourself with a blanket, and wait awkwardly in the stirrups deal. Still, I find this infinitely better than my gynecologist in Switzerland who had you undress in the same room, then walk over to the seat, hop on and spread 'em (without a blanket or anything!). Anyways, I digress.

The fun dildo-wand (or if you're being technical, internal ultrasound wand), quickly inserted and the scan began. First they checked my lining - the doctor said it was a bit on the thin side, but nothing to be worried about. Next they checked each ovary - once again I could see the characteristic "string of pearls" a.k.a. cysts, cluttering up my ovaries. There was one follicle slightly larger than the others, and the doctor measured it, calling out the numbers to her assistant. She moved onto my other ovary, again checking all of the smaller cysts before finding the slightly larger one. She repeated the measurement, pulled out the wand, then told me they'd like me back in on Friday to see if these follicles are developing, or are just slightly larger cysts that will stall like all the others. 

After slipping back on my clothes I made my way home from the clinic, a little apprehensive but feeling overall positive. They could have looked at my ovaries and not seen ANY larger follicles, so this was good news!

My positive outlook only lasted until early afternoon, when we missed a call from the office and were instructed to call back. They had run my blood analysis and my estrogen and FSH levels hadn't increased in any way that suggested imminent ovulation, so they wanted to push my next visit back until next Monday. I know it's only 3 days later, but I feel quite disappointed. Only having to wait until Friday wasn't too bad - but now I had to wait a whole week to see if I've responded to the medication. And my trip to America is coming up - I don't want this to take so long that I ovulate when I'm away from my darling husband! 

I suppose there is nothing I can do until next Monday except wait, and hope, and baby-dance just in case. So if you're reading this, cross your fingers that next Monday will have better news and this cycle will offer me my first real chance of pregnancy!

That Room

You know the one I'm talking about. When you were looking at moving into that house (or apartment), you thought it was perfect. It gave you room to grow. That special place that you imagined crib, a colorful mobile, and maybe a rocking chair. Where you would arrange tiny socks and shirts and pants into tiny drawers. Where you would sing soft songs and read good-night stories and rock-a-bye-baby. The meant-to-be room that's all too silent; the room that should be filled with laughing and giggles and smiles, and yes, lots of crying too.

That room that feels so empty, and yet you can't quite bear to do anything else useful with it. Maybe if you just sparsely furnish it, you think to yourself, it won't be so painful. Maybe if you leave room for that crib and changing table, then you know there's still space. You're not giving up on the nursery you've dreamed of, just making the most of today and using the space you have.

You push those feelings back, thinking of when you first saw that room and how excited you were to fill it with happiness, joy, shining eyes and chubby little cheeks. It will happen someday, you tell yourself. It might take longer than you planned, but it will happen. You try to be hopeful, try to ignore that room - or avoid going in it altogether. 

But that room is always there, silent, empty, and a constant reminder of what you don't have.  

First Clomid Cycle (CD3)

Today marks a new day in my TTC journey. Let's do a little recap: My last cycle was only 51 days, which is less than half of the cycle before. Technically it was a short cycle, but still - 51 days is a long time to be doing nothing. The only reason this cycle was only 51 days was that Provera worked its magic and brought on a period that would have never arrived otherwise. I have never been so overjoyed for Aunt Flo to arrive, because of everything she brings with her. 

For those of you who are interested in Provera (and I was when I was taking it!) I was prescribed two tablets a day for 7 days. The nurse said I should get my period 7-10 days after the LAST pill was taken, but that some ladies had their periods come much earlier (like 2-3 days after). Anxiously, I waited and hoped for my period to arrive early (how often does that happen when you're TTC?). Spoiler alert: It didn't! At that point I was googling nearly everything, including "What if my period doesn't come after Provera?" and "Could I be pregnant even if I took Provera and didn't have sex?" (you get the idea, right?). Turns out all this baby making sometimes makes me a bit mental. Then, 10 days after my last pill I FINALLY started spotting, and the next day my period started in full force. *Insert nervous laugh*. I don't know why I was acting so crazy, I always knew my period would come!

And that, my friends, brings us to today. Completely relieved, that is how I feel. Relieved and excited and nervous to finally, for the first time, REALLY be trying with a real chance at getting pregnant. Because today is my Cycle Day 3 (CD3) = FIRST DAY OF CLOMID!

I know Clomid might cause all kinds of crazy symptoms (headache, hot flashes, emotional swings, general craziness, etc.), but if it gets me a baby, I'm happy to take all of them. I'll come back tomorrow and see if I have been one of the unlucky ones to get the side effects. Until then, I'm enjoying a relaxing weekend with my hubby in a beautiful city and eating raw fish and drinking alcohol. Because here's hoping next month I'll be pregnant and this is my last fun hurrah! You gotta be hopeful sometime, right?

The Waiting Game

In order to start my first real round of "trying" with medical intervention, I need this cycle to end. My doctor prescribed Provera, which is a synthetic version of the progesterone that a woman's body naturally produces after ovulation. The gist is you take the pills for a certain number of days (I took mine for a week), then your body is tricked into thinking you've ovulated, and your period comes. The nurse told me my period could arrive a few days after the last pill, or up to two weeks after. 

Well it's only been 6 days and already it feels like an eternity. It's like the most tortuous two week wait, because nothing good is going to come from it (definitely no pregnancy!). And I have to say, I am beginning to get very impatient again. This cycle has only been 48 days (so far) and I know compared to my last cycle, that isn't too bad. But that's still about 20 days longer than a normal cycle, and I just want to get moving. I am so tired of waiting around for my body to do something normal. I feel like it never cooperates or makes things easy on me. 

And there is nothing I can do besides get through one day, then another, waiting for my period, and Day 3 of my cycle to start Clomid. Will it be this week? Or next week? Or will Provera even work for me? 

Until then all I can do is cross my fingers and wait and hope that something will go according to plan... 

Friends and Infertility

This past week I was very lucky to be able to fly to Switzerland to visit my old friends, colleagues, and students. It had been ten months since my last visit, and everything seemed to have stayed the same, even though I have changed. I spent my days rushing from one place to another, trying to squeeze everyone in, and all in all I think I succeeded. By the end of the six days I was exhausted and coming down with a cold (typical of my time there!).

Do you ever take a step back from your life and really examine the friends and acquaintances who fill it? Leaving Switzerland allowed me this option, and this trip back highlighted the friends I can rely on and trust, and the friends who are too wrapped up in their own lives to pay attention to others. 

Many of my friends wanted to hear about my big round-the-world trip. Most asked how the life and job in my new home were. Some of my friends wanted to know how I was doing - was I settling in okay? Was I making friends? Was I happy? Even fewer friends were interested (and then very supportive) about this new struggle I am working through. It felt like such a relief to talk about it with some real, live, people (not just my lovely husband!). Friends who know who I am and what I want most, friends who comfort me and tell me I can call anytime, no matter what. I can count these friends on one hand, and that's okay.

Other friends were too busy telling me about their own life/work/pregnancy/baby to actually have a conversation with me. It's not that I need to bitch and moan all day, or go on and on about everything related to me - but this is a part of my life, a big part, and if you're truly my friend it's probably better if you know at least a little bit about what's happening in it. Some of my "friends" never took a moment to ask.

Of course one of the hardest parts about visiting so many people were the near-constant comments about how it was time to start a family with my big, family home and family-centered neighborhood. I tried to fend this one off by always holding a glass (or a bottle) of wine. When I mentioned we're trying, and that it's taking longer than we'd like, of course I got the whole range of unhelpful remarks:

"It'll be your turn soon"
"Oh just relax, it'll happen"
"Enjoy your life while you have it!"
"You're so young"
"Insert every other insensitive comment you can think of - I'm sure I heard it this weekend"

And if the person I was talking to was someone I regarded as being a close friend, and I confided the actual situation I was in, then usually out came the stories...

"My uncle's cousin's niece had PCOS and she had 3 kids!"
"I had a colleague whose daughter had endo and she got pregnant!"
"So and so tried for years and then when she stopped trying she got pregnant right away!"
"There was a girl a work who adopted and then she was pregnant with twins!"
"Insert your own story of some random person who got pregnant even though it was difficult"

I'm not sure if these stories help me or make me feel worse. I think people tell them because they want to give me hope. But that person in the story and their problems (even if they have PCOS or endo), will never be the same as me and mine. What worked for them might not work for me, or for any other woman for that matter. There is no magic infertility pill. It almost feels like salt in a wound - look at these women who can get pregnant despite their problems and you can't! Unless it was someone who is currently struggling with infertility, or has struggled in the past, it seemed people just didn't know how to react.  

Overall I think I came back from my trip with a better idea of the friends I could trust, the friends I would continue to talk to, and the friends I would no longer put in the effort with. I think it's important to know who those real friends are, as they can help lighten your load and remind you that no matter what you are going through, you aren't alone.