Cycle Day 12, Second Clomid Cycle 100mg days 3-7, First monitoring appointment (blood draw and internal ultrasound).
Usually the beginning of a cycle makes me anxious an excited for *maybe* something good happening. The beginning of this cycle seemed to appear out of nowhere while I was in Prague visiting my cousin and then things just got more hectic from there. I barely noticed that my first monitoring appointment was quickly approaching until yesterday night. The nerves started again, but I just looked the other way and focused on all the other things I needed to do (and there is a lot I need to do!)
Then this morning arrived and I went into the fertility clinic like usual. Unlike the previous times, I had no butterflies in my stomach or strong hopes for something good. I was just trying to be realistic and protect myself.
Good thing too.
After the blood draw, I went in for the dildo cam and as the doctor measured my lining (3cm) and then inspected one ovary, and then the other, I could see what was coming. I'm getting good at understanding the ultrasound screen.
"Wow," she commented, "Look at all those cysts just sitting there and doing nothing!"
"I know," I replied, "Come on ovaries, you have ONE JOB!" I was trying to lighten the mood and pretend like this was all okay. But again, it's just crushing.
With the internal ultrasound bit over, the doctor said I should come in again in a week, just in case I responded slower to the meds and something happened. I explained I'd be away for a race until Wednesday of the following week, and she said that was fine, because there was just no activity in my ovaries. Not even a hint of a slightly larger follicle. Just pearls of cysts taking up as much space as possible and being totally and completely useless.
At first I felt just a bit numb and I was proud of myself for not tearing up. I knew this was a possibility, I had prepared myself for the fact that 100mg of Clomid may not work. I managed to hold it all together until I got to the car and got through the ticket gates and back onto the main road. I feel like every time I leave that hospital, I'm crying.
So now I'll be focusing on my big race this Saturday. There's nothing I can do until next week at my next appointment, so I won't spend any time dwelling on it. Of course, I'll keep temping, checking my CM, and drinking grapefruit juice, but I've got other things to worry about. And this is why you have to keep living, keep making plans, keep on keeping on - because if cycle after cycle fails, you need a life boat to cling on to so you don't drown in the hopelessness and sadness of it all.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Clomid Round 2 at 100mg and Raging Side Effects
Cycle Day 11, Second Clomid Cycle (days 3-7) at 100mg
I feel like it's been far too long since I've done any updating, but then again there wasn't much to say. I had to wait for the last cycle to end (63 days!) with the help of Provera and then to take Clomid for this cycle. Since the last round did nothing but create more cysts, the doctors have upped my dosage.
I noticed an immediate difference from the last Clomid round to this one. My temperature was much higher while taking it, and I had some of the often-talked about side effects - moodiness, headaches, hot flashes, and crazy dreams. I'm hoping this is a good sign, and that it means the meds will actually work this time (but I'm not holding my breath!)
The mood swings side effect was the one that surprised me most, and surprised my sweet husband as well! We had friends flying all the way in from Canada to visit us that day, and I had just gotten home from a trip to Prague. I was desperately trying to make a shopping list and plan meals so I could get to the store before they arrived. As I scoured Pinterest for a child-friendly, vegetarian-friendly meal, my hubby walked in. I asked if he though baked ziti was a good idea for the first dinner and he gave me a blank stare. "What's ziti?" he asked. And that's when the explosion of angry screaming from me started, mostly about how he was being so unhelpful and trying to frustrate me and why couldn't he just make something easier?!! Why couldn't he just tell me that was the perfect meal?!!
I realized after he backed out of the room that maybe I was being a bit unreasonable. Hormones can sure make you do crazy things! Needless to say after the eruption I went to find my husband and apologize for the pulsing anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I am so lucky I got a guy that understands me and knows that something like that is so out of character that we can just blame the drugs and move on.
The crazy dreams are also very surprising, as usually my dreams fade immediately after I wake up. This time, however, my first fantastical dream was so real I had to do some fact checking after I woke up just to make sure it wasn't true! Every night has been like that since I started the pills, and now that I've finished with them I hope they will stop soon.
Tomorrow morning I have my first monitoring appointment for this Clomid cycle. I am trying not to think about it, or get anxious about it, because the last few visits have been so disappointing. My ovaries just don't do their job! On top of all that, I leave on Thursday for a half-ironman race in France. I signed up for this back in March, praying by now I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to complete it. Alas, here we are 6 months later and no closer to being pregnant, so I've got to at least attempt it. This all means that around my O date, I won't be near the clinic to get a trigger shot, and I'll have quite a lot of stress hormones coursing through my system. I'm half hoping my ovulation is delayed like many other PCOS-ers, and that it doesn't happen until I'm back from France but there is nothing I can count on. I'll just have to go in tomorrow, give some blood, deal with the dildo-cam, and take it from there.
The only thing I have to cling on to is that if this cycle doesn't work, then I will be able to attend my best friend's wedding next May. I'm her maid of honor, so I REALLY want to go but she knows that if something good happens this month then I will only be attending via Skype. Her wedding date is 9 months from when I'm due to ovulate this cycle, so it's good/bad timing. That's the life of TTC, always counting ahead to the next cycle, the next possible due date, the next appointment...
Now only time will tell... if you're reading this, wish me luck tomorrow!
I feel like it's been far too long since I've done any updating, but then again there wasn't much to say. I had to wait for the last cycle to end (63 days!) with the help of Provera and then to take Clomid for this cycle. Since the last round did nothing but create more cysts, the doctors have upped my dosage.
I noticed an immediate difference from the last Clomid round to this one. My temperature was much higher while taking it, and I had some of the often-talked about side effects - moodiness, headaches, hot flashes, and crazy dreams. I'm hoping this is a good sign, and that it means the meds will actually work this time (but I'm not holding my breath!)
The mood swings side effect was the one that surprised me most, and surprised my sweet husband as well! We had friends flying all the way in from Canada to visit us that day, and I had just gotten home from a trip to Prague. I was desperately trying to make a shopping list and plan meals so I could get to the store before they arrived. As I scoured Pinterest for a child-friendly, vegetarian-friendly meal, my hubby walked in. I asked if he though baked ziti was a good idea for the first dinner and he gave me a blank stare. "What's ziti?" he asked. And that's when the explosion of angry screaming from me started, mostly about how he was being so unhelpful and trying to frustrate me and why couldn't he just make something easier?!! Why couldn't he just tell me that was the perfect meal?!!
I realized after he backed out of the room that maybe I was being a bit unreasonable. Hormones can sure make you do crazy things! Needless to say after the eruption I went to find my husband and apologize for the pulsing anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I am so lucky I got a guy that understands me and knows that something like that is so out of character that we can just blame the drugs and move on.
The crazy dreams are also very surprising, as usually my dreams fade immediately after I wake up. This time, however, my first fantastical dream was so real I had to do some fact checking after I woke up just to make sure it wasn't true! Every night has been like that since I started the pills, and now that I've finished with them I hope they will stop soon.
Tomorrow morning I have my first monitoring appointment for this Clomid cycle. I am trying not to think about it, or get anxious about it, because the last few visits have been so disappointing. My ovaries just don't do their job! On top of all that, I leave on Thursday for a half-ironman race in France. I signed up for this back in March, praying by now I would be pregnant so I wouldn't have to complete it. Alas, here we are 6 months later and no closer to being pregnant, so I've got to at least attempt it. This all means that around my O date, I won't be near the clinic to get a trigger shot, and I'll have quite a lot of stress hormones coursing through my system. I'm half hoping my ovulation is delayed like many other PCOS-ers, and that it doesn't happen until I'm back from France but there is nothing I can count on. I'll just have to go in tomorrow, give some blood, deal with the dildo-cam, and take it from there.
The only thing I have to cling on to is that if this cycle doesn't work, then I will be able to attend my best friend's wedding next May. I'm her maid of honor, so I REALLY want to go but she knows that if something good happens this month then I will only be attending via Skype. Her wedding date is 9 months from when I'm due to ovulate this cycle, so it's good/bad timing. That's the life of TTC, always counting ahead to the next cycle, the next possible due date, the next appointment...
Now only time will tell... if you're reading this, wish me luck tomorrow!
Friday, August 7, 2015
Reactions, Positivity, and Understanding
While visiting my friends and family in America (some with children, some with grandchildren, some without any), it was interesting to see people's reactions, responses, and comments if I chose to share my current struggle with infertility. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with this situation - A bottle of wine in each hand? Mimosas every day at breakfast? How do you respond to a topic that consumes you when you're home but that is so difficult to discuss?
As I had guessed most people brought up the topic with me quite quickly. With more than five years of marriage, a new home and low-stress job, it looks like the perfect set-up for a family. As they eyed my very full wine glass, they would inquire, "So, are you thinking about starting a family?" and I would choose my response carefully. Usually something like, "Yep, we are trying pretty hard, but no luck so far!" Humor can make any topic seem normal.
I had expected some of the normal responses for someone who is trying-but-not-succeeding: At least you're young! It'll happen when the time's right! Maybe you should adopt! You know all the ones I'm talking about. I had prepared myself for them as well, and mostly let them slide right over me without taking them to heart. No one is trying to be hurtful with their comments. People don't know how to react to a situation they have never encountered. They want to give advice, they want to give hope, they want you to be happy and positive and make THEM feel comfortable. And I get it - infertility is a pretty uncomfortable topic. Society has made it very taboo to talk about reproduction, and I also believe the explicit details of my journey are a private topic for trusted close friends and family (except, apparently, on this all-too-public blog, but that's something else entirely).
So for a lot of my interactions with friends and family while on my visit to America, I lied. Instead of sharing how I really feel most of the time (hopeless, frustrated, angry, inadequate, and more...), I pulled on my brave-face mask and echo their sentiments and hide my real thoughts. For the most part, people don't want to hear that you are not okay. They want the easy, comfortable, sanitized version. They want me to be positive and joyful like I normally am towards difficult situations in life. I can't really blame them, everyone has enough of their own troubles in their life - why do they need mine too?
One friend, however, really surprised me. Instead of a cliché comment, advice, reassurance, or positivity, she offered support and understanding. Instead of rushing to tell me how, "I would get there someday," or "It would all be alright," or telling me about her roommate's cousin's sister with PCOS who miraculously had a baby - she commiserated with me.
"You must be so frustrated"
"It might never happen, I'm so sorry."
"I know what it's like to go through something difficult. I'm here if you ever need to talk about it"
And for that moment, I didn't feel like I was hiding behind a mask or pretending to be the sunny, positive, shiny me. I could just share my real thoughts and put everything out there on the table. I felt so free for the moment. When we said goodbye I gave her several big hugs. I don't think she even realized how important that conversation was for me.
Everyone deals with infertility in their own way, and I don't think there is one right way to do it. I just know showing understanding and compassion instead of rushing to slap on a band-aid can do wonders for someone like me. And if you're reading this and struggling too - I understand, and I'm sorry for your frustration and difficulty.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The Beer Trigger
With no temperature change, no response to medication, and now no husband (I left him behind this trip!), you would think I could move on and enjoy this vacation I'm taking while I visit so many friends and family. And most of the time, that's true. Between trying to get my work done, completing my training schedule, and seeing everyone, I am busier than ever. It's the quiet moments that catch me by surprise and have the ability to pull me down into the dark spiral of 'What ifs' and negative thoughts.
Just yesterday I was flying from Chicago to LAX, when I looked at the beer I was drinking and nearly broke down sobbing. I don't WANT to be able to drink beer - I want to be pregnant! And sober! And bloated! And throwing up with morning sickness! And running to the bathroom every 5 minutes because there's a BABY sitting on my bladder! The thing I wanted the least was to be able to drink that beer. But I was on a plane full of people, and wailing and crying in a confined space is never a good idea, so I bit my lip, and (as is my new habit) pushed those feelings and thoughts back as deep in as they could go. They've tried to rise back to the surface a few times since, and I try to push them deeper still. How long can I keep ignoring them and distracting myself so I don't have to feel it? I guess only time will tell.
I had hoped this trip would be so busy I would never have a free minute to think about how long this process is taking and how long it might continue to take. But wherever you go, there you are - you can't run (or take a vacation!) from your thoughts and feelings, because they are always there with you. Instead I'm going to try to acknowledge them and just keep moving forward, one second, minute, hour, and day at a time. Because what else can I do?
Second Clomid Cycle On Its Way
With my first disappointing cycle behind me and another 50+ day cycle continuing on, I finally had the chance to visit the fertility clinic. My time during my travel in America made the days pass, thankfully, quite quickly but this next cycle was always in the back of my mind. I was always anxious, always waiting for the days to tick on.
The visit to the clinic was very brief - no more than 5 minutes. They determined I still hadn't ovulated (and most likely wouldn't), and prescribed me Provera (to bring on a period) and then Clomid 100mg for days 3-7 in hopes of making me ovulate.
I'm now on day 2 out of 7 of Provera, and I've seen my temperature increase already. More than anything I am just anxious to get on with it and have a real chance. We're back to a different kind of waiting - waiting for the end of this cycle and the start of the next one without any happy TWW maybe-I'm-pregnant-maybe-I'm-not guessing and hoping in-between.
Part of me is optimistic that something will finally happen this time around. Most of me doesn't believe that anything will. Maybe that's just a bit of self-preservation. Every time I hope, I set myself up for failure. But if I already think it's not going to work (and by some miracle it does) then I will be surprised and ecstatic.
Only time will tell - and of course I'll be updating here as it goes along. If you're reading this, will you say a prayer and cross your fingers and think positive thoughts my way? I need all the good vibes I can get.
The visit to the clinic was very brief - no more than 5 minutes. They determined I still hadn't ovulated (and most likely wouldn't), and prescribed me Provera (to bring on a period) and then Clomid 100mg for days 3-7 in hopes of making me ovulate.
I'm now on day 2 out of 7 of Provera, and I've seen my temperature increase already. More than anything I am just anxious to get on with it and have a real chance. We're back to a different kind of waiting - waiting for the end of this cycle and the start of the next one without any happy TWW maybe-I'm-pregnant-maybe-I'm-not guessing and hoping in-between.
Part of me is optimistic that something will finally happen this time around. Most of me doesn't believe that anything will. Maybe that's just a bit of self-preservation. Every time I hope, I set myself up for failure. But if I already think it's not going to work (and by some miracle it does) then I will be surprised and ecstatic.
Only time will tell - and of course I'll be updating here as it goes along. If you're reading this, will you say a prayer and cross your fingers and think positive thoughts my way? I need all the good vibes I can get.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
First Clomid Cycle (non) Update
Well I have to say, I have almost been purposefully avoiding this blog. Mostly because thinking about it just made things worse. Like sobbing, wailing, crying worse. Usually writing is extremely cathartic for me - I write it down and it lets me release my feelings and helps me return to normal.
But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.
And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round.
The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office.
I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!
As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something.
Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine!
Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years.
Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears.
With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!
But this time, every time I thought about it my chest got tight and I found it hard to breathe. So I took a step back, closed my laptop and just threw myself into the rest of my life. I hoped that would let me forget everything for a while and allow time for my heart to heal so I could come back a bit better.
And it is, luckily, a bit better. So what has made me so upset? Last Friday I went back to the clinic for my third monitoring session. After the bust on Monday, I prepared myself for the same news - no follicles, no estrogen surge, no nothing. When I arrived at the clinic, there was a different doctor than normal (this isn't particularly concerning), so I followed the usual routine of giving a bit of blood and then went in for my scan. With the dildo-cam inserted, the doctor searched one ovary, and then the other. My lining still looks great, but only one slightly larger (but nowhere near actually matured) follicle was present. I quarried the new doctor about if we would still take the next steps my doctor had outlined on Monday. I explained that she had said if nothing was happening on Friday, then I would start Provera and a larger dose of Clomid in order to be ready when I returned from the U.S. to start my next round.
The doctor pursed his lips and said that no, he would not prescribe Provera or the next round of Clomid yet. Because I wouldn't be around to be monitored and MAYBE I might have a teeny tiny chance of of ovulating on my own, that I would just have to wait and see for the rest of July. When I came back, we'd do another scan and see where to go from there. I was in shock, and instead of pushing for the medication I just let them shoo me out of the office.
I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I cried all the way home from the hospital. There might have been a little bit of door slamming and swearing as well. How can they make me wait another f***ing month! As if I haven't waited enough already! And I'm already on cycle day 23 and nothing is happening and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. And even if I ovulate in July, I won't be with my husband so it's a total waste!
As tears dripped down my face I navigated my car home, doing the calculations. You know the ones - where you see when each part of the next cycle will take place. My next monitoring appointment would be July 28, where they would see that I (still) hadn't responded to 50mg of Clomid. That means they would start me on Provera the next day, July 29. You take Provera for 7 days (August 4), I get my period 10 days later (August 14), take Clomid days 3-7 (August 16-20) and start monitoring on cycle day 12 (August 25) and maybe I won't even respond to that dosage. The whole process takes another month where I can't do anything. It feels like it's a never ending process that takes so much time and energy and it just makes me so frustrated I want to scream, or pull out my hair or punch something.
Someone who is not actively trying to conceive might read this and think I'm crazy. It's just another month, they'll say. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. You won't even notice. It'll just fly right by. Enjoy yourself! Have fun! Drink wine!
Those of you who are trying (and failing) to conceive will understand, and most likely want to punch those well meaning people in the face. Just kidding, I'm not the violent type. But we aren't getting any younger and when it takes two months just to get one chance, it makes me think that the long and windy road ahead of me is even longer than I had anticipated. It's like a Disneyland line - you think you're almost to the ride then the line turns and you've got another 3 hours of waiting in front of you. Only in this case, it's 3 years.
Sigh. Maybe I haven't allowed enough time to pass between my appointment and now. I can feel myself getting all angry and wound up, but I suppose that's better than sporadically bursting into tears.
With nothing to do, I am only temping (although goodness knows why I even bother), and now just counting down the days until my next chance - only 45 days to go!
Monday, June 29, 2015
Second Monitoring Appointment (CD 19)
I woke up this morning with that nervous, excited anticipation that you get before a blind date or first day of school. The one where you can't wait to get where you're going, but also worried about what is going to come from getting there. It was my second monitoring appointment for this first Clomid cycle, and I was hoping (praying really), that my two, slightly larger follicles have grown and responded to the 50mg of Clomid.
I got to the fertility clinic early, sending up a silent prayer for the clinic not being in the same area as the maternity ward, and so not being filled with pregnant, happy women. I wrote my name down on the sign-in sheet and waited no more than 5 minutes before I was called in by a kind, chatty nurse to get my blood drawn. Next was the dildo-cam, and at this point my stomach was doing flips and I just kept thinking to myself, over and over, "Please, please, please show that my follicles have grown! Please, please, please!" I waited a few minutes more on the awkward, spread-your-legs chair before the doctor and assistant came in to start the ultrasound. The dildo-cam was quickly inserted and started with my uterus. "Oh, very nice, thick lining!" the doctor exclaimed as she measured it and called out the numbers to her assistant. Well this was a good start! I thought to myself. Then she pivoted the dildo-cam to the side to check out the main feature, my ovaries. She pushed this way and that, trying (and maybe hoping too?) to find a dominant follicle. She found one slightly larger than the rest, but after measuring it she realized it had shrunk from my last visit a week ago. Switching to the other side, she searched in vain for something that might pass for a follicle. Zip, zero, nada. She didn't even bother to measure anything on the other side, it was so obvious how small the follicles were.
I could see it on her face before she said anything. A kind smile, but also a tiny bit sad. She explained that it didn't look as if I had responded to 50mg of Clomid, and that we'd need to up the dosage for the next cycle. She asked me to come in again on Friday for one last check before they prescribed Provera again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as they left the room to let me get dressed again. I managed to make it out of the clinic before I started crying.
Rationally, I knew this might happen. It may take a few cycles to find the right dosage of Clomid, and because of the side-effects they always start with a low dose then work their way up. But my body had been showing signs of imminent ovulation - egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) a high, open cervix, and an increased sex-drive. Even with all these signs, from the scans we can see there is no chance I'll be ovulating any time soon. I'm so angry at my body, for letting me down again and for tricking me into thinking something good was coming. Since I'll be away traveling for 3 weeks, I know that I won't have a chance in July, so our next shot is in August. It may not seem far away, but it's another 2 months down the line. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm always waiting - and even when I do all this waiting, I don't even have a fighting chance.
When I came home from my appointment and the drive/cry home, my lovely hubby was up waiting for me to see how it went. I just asked for a hug, knowing I couldn't trust myself to explain it yet. I left myself just stay there for a while, let myself be hugged and tried to calm myself down. Then I got a lot of hugs and cuddles and kisses as I explained the appointment and results. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband, someone who I am so happy to be with, even after five years of marriage.
So now I haven't got much choice but to keep moving on and looking forward to my future plans. I've realized there isn't a chance I'll be pregnant by the end of August, so my training for my half-ironman is in full swing (and boy can my muscles feel it!). I've got plenty of things to keep me busy and to look forward to, so I just have to push away this dark cloud, hide it in a closet or cupboard, and keep pushing forward, one step at a time. Why dwell on something you can't change? Why worry about the future when, "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" (a quote from the graduation speech "Wear Sunscreen".).
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Try not to get caught up in this moment right now. Try to see the long game, try to enjoy what you can while you can. Wine, sushi, sleeping in late, travel, spontaneity, beer, margaritas, gin & tonic... and deep breath in, deep breath out.
I got to the fertility clinic early, sending up a silent prayer for the clinic not being in the same area as the maternity ward, and so not being filled with pregnant, happy women. I wrote my name down on the sign-in sheet and waited no more than 5 minutes before I was called in by a kind, chatty nurse to get my blood drawn. Next was the dildo-cam, and at this point my stomach was doing flips and I just kept thinking to myself, over and over, "Please, please, please show that my follicles have grown! Please, please, please!" I waited a few minutes more on the awkward, spread-your-legs chair before the doctor and assistant came in to start the ultrasound. The dildo-cam was quickly inserted and started with my uterus. "Oh, very nice, thick lining!" the doctor exclaimed as she measured it and called out the numbers to her assistant. Well this was a good start! I thought to myself. Then she pivoted the dildo-cam to the side to check out the main feature, my ovaries. She pushed this way and that, trying (and maybe hoping too?) to find a dominant follicle. She found one slightly larger than the rest, but after measuring it she realized it had shrunk from my last visit a week ago. Switching to the other side, she searched in vain for something that might pass for a follicle. Zip, zero, nada. She didn't even bother to measure anything on the other side, it was so obvious how small the follicles were.
I could see it on her face before she said anything. A kind smile, but also a tiny bit sad. She explained that it didn't look as if I had responded to 50mg of Clomid, and that we'd need to up the dosage for the next cycle. She asked me to come in again on Friday for one last check before they prescribed Provera again. I swallowed the lump in my throat as they left the room to let me get dressed again. I managed to make it out of the clinic before I started crying.
Rationally, I knew this might happen. It may take a few cycles to find the right dosage of Clomid, and because of the side-effects they always start with a low dose then work their way up. But my body had been showing signs of imminent ovulation - egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) a high, open cervix, and an increased sex-drive. Even with all these signs, from the scans we can see there is no chance I'll be ovulating any time soon. I'm so angry at my body, for letting me down again and for tricking me into thinking something good was coming. Since I'll be away traveling for 3 weeks, I know that I won't have a chance in July, so our next shot is in August. It may not seem far away, but it's another 2 months down the line. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm always waiting - and even when I do all this waiting, I don't even have a fighting chance.
When I came home from my appointment and the drive/cry home, my lovely hubby was up waiting for me to see how it went. I just asked for a hug, knowing I couldn't trust myself to explain it yet. I left myself just stay there for a while, let myself be hugged and tried to calm myself down. Then I got a lot of hugs and cuddles and kisses as I explained the appointment and results. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband, someone who I am so happy to be with, even after five years of marriage.
So now I haven't got much choice but to keep moving on and looking forward to my future plans. I've realized there isn't a chance I'll be pregnant by the end of August, so my training for my half-ironman is in full swing (and boy can my muscles feel it!). I've got plenty of things to keep me busy and to look forward to, so I just have to push away this dark cloud, hide it in a closet or cupboard, and keep pushing forward, one step at a time. Why dwell on something you can't change? Why worry about the future when, "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" (a quote from the graduation speech "Wear Sunscreen".).
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Try not to get caught up in this moment right now. Try to see the long game, try to enjoy what you can while you can. Wine, sushi, sleeping in late, travel, spontaneity, beer, margaritas, gin & tonic... and deep breath in, deep breath out.
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